Healing
by Once.Evil.Regal
Summary: Olivia is struggling to overcome her experience at Sealview. When therapy doesn't seem to be helping, she turns to an eccentric new source for help and comfort. She also finds a new love interest, but his dark past makes him difficult to trust.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

**This takes place a while after Trials. Olivia's still seeing her therapist and still hasn't told Elliot what happened.**

"Come on, what's the worst that could happen? You never let me set you up. What, you trust me to keep you alive but you don't trust me to find you a date?"

"It's not about trusting you, Elliot; I just don't want to date anyone right now." Olivia yawned again as the elevator doors slid shut behind her.

"Maybe you're right." Olivia looked at him, a little surprised. "You'd probably fall asleep before the waiter could bring you drinks. What's going on?"

The elevator doors slid open and Olivia shrugged, stepping out. "Just haven't been sleeping well lately, you know what that's like."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No, I really don't."

The detectives felt strange walking into a quiet squadroom again; yesterday it had been absolutely insane. It had since cleared out and now it was quiet again and they were back to their usual case load. "Maybe you should take some time off," Elliot suggested.

"I'm just a little tired, Elliot; we can't take time off every time that happens. Really, I'm fine."

"Then let me fix you up." Olivia glared at him and Elliot just smiled.

Olivia sighed and shook her head. "Forget it, El."

The rest of the day passed pretty slowly. No exciting chases or busting perps, just routine interviews and paperwork. Olivia was relieved when her shift finally came to an end, until Cragen came into a squadroom to put a swift end to everyone's happiness. "We got a high profile case coming in. Nobody's leaving her tonight."

Everyone groaned except Olivia. "Captain, I can't."

"I don't care what other commitments you have, Detective, I need you here," Cragen said.

Olivia looked around uncomfortably at the other detectives watching her. "I'm sorry, Captain, I really have to leave. I'll be back in a few hours."

"In my office, Detective." Olivia followed Cragen, feeling everyone's eyes on her as she went.

"I'm sorry, Captain, you know I wouldn't be doing this if it was nothing."

"What's so important?"

She considered telling him it was none of his business, but decided against it. Instead she looked down and said, "I'm going to see my therapist. I've cancelled three times already and...I really need to go."

Cragen sighed and his demeanour softened. "How's your counseling going?"

Olivia sighed and slid into the chair behind her. "It's not. Maybe I just need to give it more time, but..." She shook her head.

"Well I know you're not sleeping. Are you at least eating?"

"I try."

"You know I'll give you as much time as you need, all you have to do is ask."

"The last thing I need is more free time."

Cragen nodded. "Alright. Go on."

Olivia stood up and left the office, heading for her desk to grab her coat. "Tell him I'm got the weekend off. It's the only chance I'm giving him."

"You won't regret it," Elliot called as she headed out of the squadroom.

"I doubt that," she muttered under her breath.

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"Are you still sleeping with the lights on?"

"Yes."

"What happens when you turn them off?"

Olivia swallowed and took a deep breath, staring down at her hands. "I can hear him kicking over boxes and chairs, rattling the storage cages...calling for me. I...can't even look in the mirror anymore, it's like his face is about to appear in the glass, in every window."

"You keep them covered?" Olivia nodded. "I know it's hard to believe now, Olivia, but he can't hurt you anymore. He's behind bars, and he's not getting out."

"You don't think I know that? I'm the one who arrested him. Knowing that doesn't change anything. Putting him in jail doesn't change what happened."

"I know..."

"No, I really don't think you do. You keep telling me he can't hurt me, her can't hurt me...I know he can't hurt me, that's the problem! Maybe if he was free there'd be a reason for me to act this way, but he's not. There's no reason I should be paying double my usual electric bill or putting on my make-up in the SVU washroom because it's the only place I feel safe. That's why I need help!"

"I understand that, Olivia, but..."

"There's nothing you can do, because I'm the only one who can change anything. Yeah, I get it."

"That's not what I was going to say."

Olivia shook her head. She'd been getting sick of therapy for a long time, and now she felt bad for leaving work. She stood up without saying any more, ignoring her therapist urging her to stay. Therapy clearly wasn't working. She didn't need someone telling her over and over 'It's not your fault, it's not your fault,' what she really needed was sleep.

She really wanted to go home and sleep, but she knew she wouldn't be able to. Instead she went to the squadroom, where everyone was on edge because of the high-profile case. "I thought you'd be gone longer than that," Elliot said when Olivia entered the squadroom.

"Just couldn't stay away, I guess. What's going on?"

"Kidnapping, some rich guy." Elliot yawned and leaned his head back, stretching out his neck.

"Some rich guy?" Olivia raised her eyebrow as she sat down.

"Yeah, a stock broker. Apparently he donates a lot of money to local law enforcement, so the case gets top priority. It's a fresh kidnapping case, though, a three-year-old girl, so it would be top priority anyway." Olivia barely understood his last words through his yawn.

"You should take a nap."

"Me? You're the one who's been yawning all day. You might as well lie down; Cragen's not expecting you back for another couple hours anyway, right? Go on, I'll cover for you."

Rather than rejecting his offer as she might normally have done, she thanked him and went into the crib. It was the last place she really felt safe to sleep anymore. The dark still scared her, but she didn't dare turn the lights on, and it was easier to ignore knowing she was surrounded by cops, especially Elliot, who she often thought of as her protector, and Fin, who had saved her from Harris in the first place. Thinking about them and reminding herself that she was safe, Olivia was able to fall asleep.

The usual nightmare woke her up. She had to fight hard to keep her panic at bay. She lay in bed for several minutes, breathing hard, trying not to hyperventilate. When her breathing slowed and she was able to focus again, she returned to the bullpen to help Elliot, wishing yet again that she could sleep for more than a couple hours at a time.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"I don't believe it."

"What, that I own a dress?"

"No, that you're actually going on this date."

"Well, there's a first time for everything." Olivia was standing outside her apartment building with Elliot, waiting for her date to arrive. The man, James, was a friend of Elliot's from his days in the service and Elliot had been trying to set him up with Olivia for a long time. Now Olivia had finally consented to the blind date and was starting to regret it. The kidnapping case had really worn her out and she hadn't slept more than a few hours since then. Not falling asleep at the restaurant was the best she could hope for.

James, as Elliot had predicted, was right on time. He stepped out of the car and immediately Olivia's eyes took in every detail. Black hair that was likely once wild and hadn't quite been tamed, with only the faintest flecks of silver at the temples. His skin was fair and probably turned beet red in the sun, but it complimented Olivia's olive skin nicely. His eyes, though shielded slightly by his dark-framed glasses and despite the dark night, were such a bright green that they instantly drew Olivia's gaze. He smiled, revealing fine lines around his eyes that couldn't age his smile. It was slightly crooked, his teeth just shy of perfect, but something about it made him look eternally youthful. Olivia couldn't help smiling in return. They stared at each other for several minutes before Elliot cleared his throat and the trance between them broke.

"Well, I'll leave you two alone. Good night." James nodded and Elliot headed back to his car.

"James Madison," he said, holding out his hand.

"Olivia Benson." Olivia held out her own hand, but rather than shake it James drew it to his lips and kissed it softly. Then he opened the car door for her and she slid in.

"I have to admit, this is a little awkward for me. I've never been on a blind date before," James said as he pulled the car away from Olivia's building.

"You're smarter than I am, I guess. I don't know if Elliot told you, but I've been turning down his offer to set us up for a while now."

"What made you change your mind?"

"Elliot's pestering, maybe." James glanced at her and she smiled. "I was getting tired of sitting at home waiting for work to start."

James laughed. "I know that feeling."

"Does Elliot ever talk to you about what he does?" She didn't really want to ask, but her job was often responsible for ending relationships, and starting out with someone who already understood it would be a big obstacle out of the way.

"Not really, but I don't blame him. I know what you guys do, if that's what you mean. Why?"

"It bothers some people."

"You hoped we could just skip that part of the conversation?"

"Well, not entirely, I still want to know what you do."

He smiled, but not his usual smile. It was somewhat sad, as if he were staring at a painful memory that he was proud of having overcome. "We'll get to that eventually."

The restaurant James took her to was a quiet little bistro that Olivia instantly loved it. James took her coat and pulled out her chair like a gentleman, and for once Olivia didn't mind. Something in that smile...maybe she should have listened to Elliot earlier, she thought. They both ordered small plates of pasta because neither of them was particularly hungry but they both loved pasta.

"I know you don't want to talk about your job, but would it be inappropriate to ask why you do it?" James asked after they had finished eating.

"Lots of reasons I guess. My mother was a rape victim." Olivia had really meant to just blurt out her past that way, but so many dates had ended at this point that she just wanted to get it over with. Either their relationship ended before it started, or James accepted the news and moved on.

"Is there any point asking how old you were at the time?"

"No."

James nodded, taking a slow sip of wine. He sat back, mulling it over for a minute, then leaned forward again. "That must have made it tough for you growing up."

"Yeah, it did. She was an alcoholic, but the rape was only an excuse to drink more, she was an alcoholic before it happened."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"No you're not."

"You're right, I'm not, but it's the polite thing to say. I wish I could say more, but it wouldn't do any good. We all have our sob stories and we all have to just move on."

Olivia took a sip of her drink. "So what's yours?"

"I was molested by my dad until I was 4." Olivia felt as if she had been punched in the stomach and just stared. James only smiled. "Yeah, that's usually the reaction I get. My mom kicked my dad out when she found out about it. She got married again when I was almost 6. When I was 10 my brother needed a kidney transplant. I donated mine, but his body rejected it and he died. My mother didn't want to blame me for it, but she couldn't help feeling like it was my fault. Her guilt and shame ate her up until finally she killed herself."

Olivia was too stunned to speak. How was she supposed to respond to that? Finally she said, "I'm sorry I asked."

James laughed. "Yeah, I bet. But it was a long time ago. A good friend helped me through it and I've had plenty of time to get over it."

"Well, since it can't get any worse, you wanna tell me now what you do for a living?"

The smile vanished and James looked down at his glass. "That depends."

"On what?"

"How tainted you are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Elliot's told me about cases before, and I know about some of the things you see every day. I also know you've been working there for a decade and it's probably hard to see the good in people. I've never told Elliot what I do because I don't know what he'd do, but I don't really want to find out."

Olivia couldn't fathom what James could possibly do for a living that was so horrible. "James, just tell me."

He sighed heavily. "I'm a paediatric oncologist." Understanding spread over Olivia's expression. "I know what you'd think if I was a suspect. Molested as a child and now he works with children. But that's not it at all. I love kids, but not like that. My brother is the reason I became a doctor, not my father."

It was Olivia's turn to take a slow drink and mull things over. She really didn't know what to think. "You're right, this job has tainted me. I've never met anyone who was molested that didn't turn into an abuser themselves. That doesn't mean they don't exist, I understand that, but I've never seen one. It's not going to be an easy thing for me to accept."

"I understand that. I knew I was taking a risk on this date. Actually, I thought more than once about turning Elliot down, or cancelling. But he made you sound so great, and now that we're here...well, it's up to you now, I guess. You know what? We're here now; let's just forget about it for tonight. We were having a pretty good time, as I remember." He smiled and, despite the unease in Olivia's stomach, she returned his grin.

"You said you had a good friend help you through your grief. Do you keep in touch?"

"I'm glad you asked that, actually, you might be interested in her. She runs a support group for women who've been sexually assaulted. She has a pretty unique take on things, from what I've heard. She has this strange ability to see through people, to heal them...I'd probably be dead if it weren't for her, or at least hopelessly miserable. I probably would have grown up to be...different." They both understood what he really intended to say. "Anyway, her methods are a bit unorthodox, I guess, but they work. You should talk to her; she might be able to help some of the victims you deal with."

"Maybe I will." Olivia took another sip of her drink, thinking everything over. The rest of their conversation that night went back to its original light tone, and when Olivia left the car to go back to her apartment, she couldn't help the smile on her face.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"You survived!" Elliot said, grinning when he saw Olivia enter the squadroom.

"I just came in to talk to Cragen, I need the day off." She didn't wait for Elliot to respond, she just headed straight for Cragen's office.

"Is something wrong, Detective?" Cragen asked when he looked up to see Olivia standing in his office.

"Fine, I just need the day off. I should have asked earlier, I know, but...it's sort of a last minute thing."

"My offer still stands, Olivia, you can take more time off if you need it."

"No, no, I just need today." Cragen sighed and nodded. Olivia thanked him and left.

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Olivia summoned her strength and stepped into the small conference room. She braced herself for the stares she would inevitably face, but only a few gazes wandered in her direction before returning to their conversation. There were about a dozen women grouped around the room talking casually. There didn't seem to be any sort of leader who stood out, but Olivia was spared the trouble of having to find her. "Detective! Welcome."

Olivia spun around to face the woman who had called her. She was much shorter than Olivia, only about 5 feet, but she was proportioned so perfectly that Olivia didn't even notice until they were just a few feet away. She had long dark hair tied up in a messy bun with several strands loose at the front. They fell alongside the frames of her glasses, which were a dark chocolate brown. Her skin was just beginning to tan as the weather warmed, and Olivia suspected she would be very dark by the end of summer. She wore an emerald green, form fitting shirt with sleeves that fit her upper arms tightly, but were slit from the elbow down so her forearms were uncovered if she lifted her arms. Her pants were dark denim that formed a straight line that ended in black converse shoes.

"I wouldn't normally allow an officer to sit in on a meeting, but the other members agreed to let you come. It's Olivia, right?" Olivia nodded, shaking the woman's hand. "James told me you'd be coming. I'm Brittany, but I guess you know that already. Have a seat." She announced to everyone that the meeting was starting and Olivia took a seat in the circle with everyone else.

"I'm sure you've all noticed our new member. This is Olivia, the officer I told you all about last week. She works with victims of sexual assault every day, so there's no need to be shy. Amy, why don't you start? Give Olivia, and everyone else, a look at what we can accomplish here."

Amy, a young woman with strawberry blond hair, nodded and flashed Olivia a timid smile, which Olivia returned. "I had a great childhood. My parents were happy; we did all kinds of things as a family, and we almost never fought with each other. I realized at a pretty early age that I was gay, and I wanted to tell my parents, but for some reason I just couldn't figure out how. When I was 14, I met a girl in my English class and we fell in love. She helped me find the courage to tell me parents. They were fine with it at first, just like I always thought they would be."

She paused for a minute, collecting herself, and then continued, "That night, though, while I was sleeping, I heard someone come into my room. When I woke up to see my dad standing in my room, I thought he just came in to check on me or something. But he came into my room and stood next to my bed. I asked him what he was doing, and he said, 'I'm not letting you ruin this family. I'll make you straight if I have to.' And then he raped me. I screamed, by my mom was at work on night shift. He raped me 3 more times that week. I broke up with my girlfriend by giving her some lame excuse. I was 18 when I finally reported the rapes, but he was never convicted. My mom left him, though, and we've managed to stay close despite everything."

"You couldn't talk about your past when you first came here. Is it still difficult for you?"

"No. I mean, it's like losing someone: the pain will never really go away. But I've put it behind me, and I have a good life now. I come here mainly to support others."

Brittany nodded and smiled. "Thank you, Amy. Since I haven't allowed new members to this week's meeting, you're all familiar with how this process works, but I'll just explain it to Olivia." She turned her gaze to Olivia. "The meeting is to provide support so victims know they aren't alone and that they can heal, but it's not where the healing takes place. I set up individual meetings with each member to assess them and then I tailor a plan to their needs. I help them work through the various steps and they get extra support here. Unfortunately I can't live off pro bono work, but me fees are substantially lower than a professional counsellor, and my methods are generally more effective. Of course, that's a matter of opinion, but I've never had a client say they don't work."

The sharing continued for another 2 hours. Everyone in the group seemed to be at different stages of recovery, but all of them were able to speak openly about their experiences, and they seemed almost to worship Brittany. Several of the woman said they still couldn't sleep with the lights off, and one woman even covered up her windows and mirrors; Olivia sympathized. Seeing women in the process of healing rather than in the usual state of fear and shame Olivia usually saw was an odd experience for her. It made her feel hopeful in a way her previous therapy never had.

After the meeting Brittany invited Olivia out for a drink. She accepted, since she didn't want to go to work and she really didn't want to go home. "What did you think?" Brittany asked when they were seated at the bar.

"It sounds interesting. I don't know if my boss will like me sending victims to an unlicensed counsellor, though."

Brittany smiled. "I have a Ph.D., Detective, I'm a fully qualified counseller, I just don't advertise it. Besides, the way I work has nothing to do with what I learned at University. But it might not be ideal for you to recommend victims to me, I prefer to work with a small group so each member gets the individual help they need."

"I'll keep you in mind nonetheless."

"So do you sleep with your lights on, Detective?" Olivia was taken aback by the question and just stared at Brittany, attempting to respond but failing miserably. Brittany smiled. "You don't think I bought your Detective act, do you? If I thought you were just there to investigate a possible resource for victims I wouldn't have let you attend the meeting."

"What makes you think I was there as anything other than a detective?"

Brittany shrugged. "Call it a hunch. It's just the two of us now, Olivia; you don't need to hide from me. I'm not asking you to tell me everything, maybe you're not ready for that, but I want the truth."

"I stopped going to my therapist a week ago. All she seemed to do was tell me it's not my fault, and that he can't hurt me anymore."

"True as that may be, it's hardly something you can accept overnight. You need real help, not someone telling you what you already know." Olivia nodded. "You sleep at the precinct a lot, in the crib." Olivia nodded, though it wasn't really a question. "Your first step is to sleep at home."

"What?"

"Everyone follows a path in their life, but sexual assault has a way of dimming the lights so you can't see that path anymore. My job is to light up the path one little piece at a time so you can start walking again. You don't need to see every step in front of you, you just have to trust me to guide you. Your first step is to stop sleeping at the precinct and start sleeping at home."

"I don't think I can afford to do that. My electrical bill's already through the roof." Olivia gave a faint smile.

"Sleep during the day and work at night if that's what you need to do. You need to start feeling safe at home again, ever if you need the lights on to do it."

"Am I paying for this session?" Olivia asked.

Brittany smiled. "Consider it a freebie." She drained the rest of her beer and then fished in her pocket for her wallet. She laid some money on the counter and handed Olivia a business card. "Day or night. I mean it."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"What's going on?" Olivia asked when she nearly crashed into Elliot racing out of the squadroom. "Rape in progress, I'll explain on the way." Olivia raced out of the building with Elliot and got in the car, barely getting her door closed before Elliot squealed away from the curb.

"Someone called 911 said they could hear a woman screaming down the hall. When the police got there the door was locked. Jenny, that's the woman who lives in the apartment, won't let them in. They're not sure if it's a hostage situation or whether she's just scared to let them in. They want us there ASAP to talk to her, find out what's going on."

"What makes them think it could be a hostage? Has the guy said anything?"

"I dunno."

When they arrived at the building they went straight up to Jenny's apartment. There were cops surrounding in, all wearing vests like Elliot and Olivia. "What's going on?" Elliot asked.

"Girl won't let us open the door, says he'll kill her. We haven't heard anything from the guy, though. Hostage negotiator isn't here, there's a bank being held up and that's taking precedence. We need someone who can talk to the vics."

Olivia walked over to the apartment door and knocked. "Jenny?"

"Don't come in! Go away!" She sounded hysterical.

"Jenny, my name's Olivia, I'm a detective. I just want to talk to you." There was no answer from inside other than a faint sobbing, so Olivia continued, "Jenny, is someone in there with you?"

"No! Go away!"

"We can't do that, Jenny, we need to make sure you're okay first."

"I'm fine! Just leave me alone!"

"If you're in danger we need to know so we can help you. We know there was someone else in your apartment, what happened to him?"

"He left! Please, he left, just go away!"

Olivia looked around at the other cops. Several of them shrugged. Cragen, who had arrived just after Olivia and Elliot, signalled from Olivia to keep going. "Did he leave through the door or did he go out the fire escape? We might still be able to catch him."

"I don't want you to catch him; I just want you to go away!"

"Jenny, all you have to do to make us go away is let me in. I just want to make sure you're okay, and then I can tell everyone to leave." There was no answer. "I promise, I have no weapon, I just want to take a look around. Just me, no one else." She slid off her gun holster as she spoke and handed it to Elliot.

"What the hell is she doing?" Cragen hissed in Elliot's ear. Elliot just shrugged.

"Just you?" Jenny said, her voice coming from just on the other side of the door.

"Just me, I promise." There was a long pause, and then Olivia heard the lock click and the chain slide off. She waited a few seconds, then carefully opened the door and stepped inside. She glanced at Elliot and a furious looking Cragen before closing the door.

Cragen and Elliot waited, their breath held, for some sign of activity inside. Just when they thought they should break down the door and race in after her, the door opened again. Olivia stepped out, her arm wrapped around a young women whose face was hiding behind her long dark hair. Olivia whispered to her comfortingly as she headed through the crowd. As she stood waiting for the elevator, she nodded for everyone to go into the apartment. When she and Jenny had disappeared in the elevator, the detectives entered the apartment.

Understanding dawned on them when they saw the body in the kitchen. Jenny must have killed him and been afraid to get in trouble. CSU was called in and Elliot went back to the station to check on Jenny and Olivia. "How's she doing?" He asked when he saw Olivia.

"About as good as you'd expect. She's afraid of being arrested. I told he we'd do an investigation, but if her story's true the evidence with corroborate it."

"What's her story?"

"He broke in and raped her. When he went into the kitchen she snuck up on him with a bat. He caught her and they struggled for a while until she managed to push him off balance. They both went down, but he hit his head on the edge of the counter."

"From what CSU said before I left, looks like her story checks out. Cragen's pretty pissed at you for going in there alone."

"He'll get over it." She shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess. So how'd it go with James the other night?"

Olivia shrugged, but she couldn't hide the slow grin that crept across her face. Despite her misgivings about James, their date had gone surprisingly well. They had already scheduled another one for that weekend. "It was alright."

"Yeah, right. You're welcome." They both laughed. "What were you off doing yesterday?"

"Since when do you ask what I do with my days off?"

"Since you refused to stay for a high-profile case and then took a day off in the middle of the week despite the fact that you didn't even want time off when your mom died. Something going on?"

"You caught me: I'm cheating on you." She smiled.

"That's not funny." He couldn't help smiling, though. "Seriously, Liv, what's going on?"

"You're the one who told me to take some time off; I just took your advice."

"Since when do you listen to me?"

"Maybe I'll listen more often, you were right."

"This is unprecedented, someone get a camera!" Munch had just entered the squadroom, followed by Cragen and Fin.

"Nice going in there, Liv," Fin said. She smiled. Cragen didn't seem at all pleased, but he didn't call her into his office, so she considered herself safe for the time being.

The rest of the day went smoothly by SVU standards. Jenny's story checked out and she was allowed to leave the precinct, though she had to sleep at a hotel because her apartment wasn't yet clean. Everyone was anxious to get home as the city grew dark, but Olivia's anxiety was the exact opposite. Brittany had told her not to sleep at the precinct anymore, but she was terrified by the thought of trying to sleep alone at her apartment. "Since when are you itching to get out of here?" Elliot asked when he saw Olivia staring at the clock.

"Huh? Oh, I..." She shook her head and went back to her work without responding.

"Well, looks like we can actually get out of here on time. You wanna get a drink?"

"Uh, sure. I just have to make a quick call." Elliot nodded and Olivia left her desk and went into the crib where she would have some privacy. "Come on, pick up," she urged as she held her cell to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's me." There was silence. "Olivia. Sorry, I guess we're not quite at the voice recognition stage yet."

"No, I knew who it was. I'm just surprised you're calling."

"I am, too." They both laughed. "I know it's late, and it's last minute, but..."

"Sure."

"I...I haven't even asked anything yet."

"Elliot's a good friend, I know what your schedule looks like. Should I pick you up or do you want me to meet you somewhere?"

"Would it be too forward to suggest my apartment?" Another pause. "For drinks, James. I don't really feel like going out tonight."

"Alright, sure. I'll be there in an hour."

They said goodbye and Olivia went to her desk where Elliot was waiting. "I think I'm gonna skip drinks tonight, but a ride would be great."

"Sure." Elliot drove her home and she went into her apartment, keeping an eye on the clock. When almost an hour had passed, Olivia uncovered her mirrors nervously. It terrified her to open her blinds, but it was night time so that wouldn't matter. She closed her bedroom door so she could turn that light off without having to walk past a dark room. When she heard the buzzer for her door, she let James in and quickly turned off the kitchen light, which really didn't need to be on. She was embarrassed to be going to such extremes to hide her fears from James, but it was better than admitting to them. At least for now.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Running in the dark. No place to go. Flick the light switch but nothing happens. Footsteps behind her but she can't see anyone. At the end of the hall there's a mirror: no make-up, eyes bloodshot, skin pale, orange jumpsuit. No one behind her, though, and that's good. Fixing her hair and...Oh God, there he is! No! Let me go, no!

"Let me go! No, let me go!" Olivia fought hard against the hands holding her. She tried to scratch, but her hands were being held down, and she couldn't kick because someone was sitting on top of her. She screamed.

"Olivia! Dammit, Olivia, wake up!" She opened her eyes to see Harris's face dissolve into soft green eyes, wild black hair and an expression of fear rather than rage.

"Oh my god. James, I'm sorry." He got off her slowly and helped her sit up. She was breathing hard, dazed from her nightmare. Tears began to stream down her cheeks and she tried to hide her face, but James gently pulled her hands away and then wrapped his arms around her.

"That must have been some dream," he said when Olivia had calmed down.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, that's never happened to me before." Technically it was the truth. She had never screamed in her sleep before and she never lashed out at anyone trying to wake her up. The nightmares were nothing new, but James didn't need to know that.

"You want some coffee?"

"No, I'm alright. Did...did I hurt you?" She didn't see any cuts on him but that didn't mean much.

"You got me pretty good in the ribs but I'll be alright. Remind me to sleep on the couch next time." He smiled, but Olivia didn't return it. "It's just a joke, Olivia, really. You sure you're alright? Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No. After ten years at SVU you get used to the occasional nightmare. I've never done that before, though; I don't even talk in my sleep. I'm really sorry, James."

"Don't apologize. We're all entitled to a few bad nightmares now and then."

Once Olivia regained her sanity, she was able to remember what had happened. James had come over and they had had drinks together. He must have carried her into her bedroom, where she was currently sitting on her bed, because they had fallen asleep on the couch together – a first for Olivia. Men only ever spent the night because Olivia wanted to sleep with them before she ended the relationship. This relationship – if you could really call it that after one date – was different, though. She hadn't wanted sex; she'd only wanted him next to her so she could sleep. He was a comforting presence, and she hoped to keep him around for a while. Figuratively speaking, because at that moment she just wanted him gone.

"I need to get ready for work. I'll call you later."

"You want a ride?"

"No, Elliot's picking me up."

"Alright." He kissed her softly. "Talk to you later."

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"Well, it was a creative solution."

"After last night he'll never want to spend the night again."

"James isn't the sort of person to turn his back on someone who needs help. He knows what you do for a living, I'm sure he's prepared for plenty of obstacles."

"He told me about his childhood." Brittany tore her gaze away from the window and looked at Olivia. She was sitting in her cozy reading nook staring out at her backyard. The thought of being surrounded by windows like that terrified Olivia, but in the daylight hours it was easy to keep her fears at bay.

"What do you think?"

"I work with child molesters all the time. They all have some horrible past that turned them into monsters."

"And you think James is a monster?"

"I don't know what to think."

"Seeing what you see every day makes it hard to believe that he really recovered. But I've known him for a long time, Olivia, and I believe he has healed. He loves kids just as I imagine you do. He protects them just like you do, or at least tries. He does a job that a lot of people couldn't do, just like you. My word really doesn't mean much, but for what it's worth, I don't believe James is a monster. Quite the opposite, actually."

"It's not something I can just get over."

"I don't expect you to, and neither does he. Just keep an open mind." She took one last look out the window, then swung her legs around and sat cross-legged, facing Olivia. "How many people know about...whatever it is that happened?"

"Three. Sort of. The third doesn't know any details."

"Do you ever talk to them about it?" Olivia shook her head. "Does you captain know?" Olivia nodded. "So either you're really close to your captain, or it happened at work and you had no choice but to tell him."

"Are you just gonna keep asking me these questions until you figure the whole thing out?"

"I'm sorry. You're right; I shouldn't pry. You really do need someone to talk to, though."

"Isn't that what you're for?"

Brittany smiled. "Yes, but I find this usually goes one of two ways: either a client has someone they trust to talk to about their experience, and after a while that talking helps them heal until they are willing to talk to me, or they confide in me until they are ready to share their experience with friends or family. Since you don't seem too inclined to talk to me, you need to find someone close to talk to."

"Don't you need to know what happened to help me?"

"Eventually, yes, but not right now. Maybe I was wrong."

"About what?" Olivia looked at her curiously.

"Maybe your first step is confiding in someone."

"I confided in my therapist and that didn't go well." Brittany crossed her arms but didn't say anything. "It was an undercover assignment. We suspected a guard was raping inmates. I posed as an inmate to get information. There was a lockdown at the prison because of a possible TB outbreak, and some of the inmates got angry with the guards. I started arguing with a guard and they cuffed me. Another guard, he, uh...he took me downstairs. I never should have let him, but I didn't realize where we were going until there was no one else around."

"You probably couldn't have stopped him anyway."

"Yeah, I know." She looked down at her hands and continued, "There was a mattress on the floor. I...I begged him not to, but he shoved me down. I screamed but...we were in the basement and there was no one around. He uncuffed me and I managed to hit him. I ran and I hid behind some boxes, but he, uh...he came after me. There was really no place to hide, so he found me. I stood up, told him I'd co-operate. He hit me in the stomach and then in the back. I tried to run away but the door was locked, so I screamed. I heard him behind me and I turned around and he hit me. I slid down to the floor and he cuffed me to the bars of the door. Then he...pulled down his pants. I was crying, and begging...there was nothing I can do, so I just...begged." Olivia stopped, tears running down her cheeks.

"What happened next?" Brittany urged gently.

"Fin came downstairs - another detective working undercover. He saved me."

"So he saw what happened. And you told your captain because you had no choice. And..."

"The medical examiner is the third person. She's a friend." Brittany nodded. "I can't eat, I can't sleep...I can't look out my windows or in my mirrors, I'm paying double my normal electric bill...and I wasn't even raped."

"Do you think the actual act of sex is what makes rape so devastating? It's the loss of control, the feeling of helplessness. You were violated, Olivia, even if he was stopped before he could actually rape you." Olivia nodded, wiping away her tears. "How often do you have nightmares?"

"Every time I go to sleep."

"And how do you feel when you wake up from one of these nightmares?"

"Scared. Disoriented. Sometimes I have trouble breathing properly."

"Panic attacks." Olivia nodded. "Do you ever have them during the day?" Olivia shook her head. "Well, that's something to be thankful for, at least. What are the nightmares about?"

"Usually they're just me running away from him. Sometimes he's in my apartment and I try to lock myself in my bedroom but the door won't lock."

"And the dream last night, was it different?"

Olivia nodded. "I was running down a hallway in the dark. I could hear someone behind me but I couldn't see anyone when I looked back. When I turned a corner a found a light switch but it wouldn't work. So I kept running and the hall just ended. There was a mirror, and I could see myself standing there in my prison outfit. I heard him come up behind me and he grabbed me. I must have been screaming because James shook me awake, and it took me a minute to wake up."

"Well, don't expect the dreams to go away any time soon. I wish I could tell you more, but the first step in your recovery is still sleeping at home."

"How long do I have to sleep at home before I can move on to step two?"

"Until I decide what step two is."

"Shouldn't you have some idea already?"

"It really depends on you. Right now what you need is to stop retreating to the precinct and get at least a half decent night's rest at home. We'll just have to wait and see what happens after that. Will I see you at the meeting this week?"

"I'll try," Olivia said, not wanting to commit.

"Try hard, Olivia. I want to see you there."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"This guy is total scum. I hope he runs so I can put a bullet square in his back." Elliot was ranting about Greg Matts, a serial child rapist. They had been hunting him for two weeks with no luck. He had kidnapped, raped and then released 5 children so far. None of them had seen his face, all claimed her had never spoken a single word, and he was dressed in black from head to toe. No distinguishing marks or features. None of the children could give an accurate height. They all gave different eye colours. The first three victims had claimed he was white, but the second two had insisted he was black. When questioned again and confronted with this dilemma, they all decided it had been too dark to even see skin colour.

Their most recent victim had been the first break in the case - a little girl, not quite 7 years old. He had apparently intended to kill her, because he hadn't worn a mask as usual, and hadn't seemed too concerned with lighting, either. He wasn't used to holding his victims prisoner though because Tina had escaped. Now they had some important details from a child with – what amazing luck – a photographic memory. The perp was white, about Elliot's height, with dark brown eyes and shaggy, jet black hair.

Their second break also came from Tina; fingernail scrapings had been taken as part of the rape kit, and lab testing had yielded DNA. With a little digging on an open robbery/murder case, they found Matts. But finding the identity had been simple enough; finding the man himself was proving much more difficult. They had a lead though on an old girlfriend and Elliot and Olivia were on their way to question her. Olivia just hoped Elliot could keep his cool.

"He has to do a lot more than run to warrant a bullet in the back, El," Olivia said.

"Yeah, I know." He sounded disappointed. He pulled on his jacket and followed Olivia out the door and down to the car. Olivia could feel the adrenaline, poised and ready to surge through her body and make her muscles stronger, her pain practically non-existent. She would never admit it, but she was an adrenaline junkie; she suspected most cops were.

When they arrived at the girl's apartment building, they parked around the corner and walked up to the building. It wasn't long before someone came down and let them in after a thorough examination of their badge – something they always encouraged people to do, but very frustrating at such a time. When they were finally inside the building, they headed upstairs. Olivia could feel her body itching to lunge, but her sense were heightened and she knew it was time for stealth; if they were lucky, the chase would come soon enough. They didn't really expect trouble from the girlfriend, but hopefully they could force some information out of her.

"Up here," Elliot said, pointing to the door just ahead of Olivia. She nodded and stepped up to it, rapping her knuckles hard on the wood.

There was a loud shuffling inside and the thud of something hitting the floor. Olivia looked at Elliot, who nodded and pulled out his gun. Olivia did the same, knocking again. "Police! Amy Walt, open up!"

"Just a second!" A woman's voice called from inside. Another thud, more shuffling; Olivia stepped back, waited for Elliot's nod, and kicked hard. The door flew open and Olivia rushed inside just in time to see Matts climbing out the fire escape.

"I got him!" Olivia called, racing after Matts.

"I'll cut him off downstairs!" Elliot called, heading out of the apartment and flying down the stairs.

To Olivia's surprise, Matts headed up towards the roof instead of down. He had a good head start, but where was he going once he got to the roof? Nowhere Olivia needed to worry about. She was practically giddy as her muscles propelled her up the ladder, scenting her prey like some wild predator. She had felt totally out of control for a long time, and probably wouldn't get it back for quite a while, but this was a situation she had control of. The chase provided her with the dizzying release of adrenaline while providing her with just enough control and coherent though to do what needed to be done.

Once Olivia reached the roof, she had to stop to look around. She pulled out her gun and started looking. There were very few hiding places on the roof, so she had to keep her eyes sharp. He could come out of any one of them with a gun and it would be all over. The thought did nothing more than send another surge of adrenaline through her; she rarely thought about the possibility of death while chasing down a perp. And why should she worry? This guy couldn't even keep a little kid from escaping him.

Just as Olivia turned slightly to look to her right she saw a flash of movement in the corner of her eye. She turned just a second too late: something hard connected with her stomach and she doubled over with a grunt. Something hit her hard in the back and she was on all fours. She rolled onto her back and kicked hard. She heard a shout as her heel connected with a knee and he was down. She lunged at him, her control gone, all sense of reality gone, nothing but pure, raw adrenaline fueling her actions. He got her once, but no fucking way was he going to do it again. She struck him hard, unable to stop, her gun forgotten a few feet away. Nothing but a screaming mass under her fists – 'That's right, you better fucking scream.'

"Detective! DETECTIVE!" Olivia felt someone grab her shoulders and pull back hard. She tried to fight but another pair of hands closed around her right upper arm and she was pulled away, cursing loudly.

"Olivia!" A hard slap across the face and she was silent except for her laboured breathing. At first she thought it was just because of the exertion, but she quickly realized it was much worse than that, and she felt as if she were breathing through a narrow straw. "Just breathe, paramedics are on their way."

The paramedics arrived just as Olivia's vision began to gray. They quickly slid an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth and she sucked in greedily, relieved as air finally entered her lungs and her vision began to clear. She was dimly aware of the people around her, of someone she thought might be Elliot walking away to talk to someone else. Her vision might have cleared, but her thoughts were still foggy and sluggish.

"What the hell happened to her?" Cragen asked Elliot.

Elliot shook his head, watching Olivia push away the paramedic who was trying to examine her hands, which were covered in blood. Mostly Matts's, Elliot figured. "That's a bad case of PTSD if I ever saw one," one of the cops said in response to Cragen's question.

"PTSD?" Elliot asked, turning to look at the cop.

"I saw the look in her eyes when we pulled her away. I've seen it before in the army. That wide, glossy-eyed look, that's PTSD, no doubt about it."

"Dammit," Cragen said, running his hand over his face.

"PTSD?" Elliot repeated. "From what? She's been here for a decade and NOW she cracks? What set her off?"

"Get back to the station, Detective. You and Fin, interrogate Matts."

"Captain..."

"Go, Detective!" Elliot stared at Cragen for a minute, stunned. Then he looked at Olivia, shook his head, and headed back downstairs.

When Elliot was gone, Cragen walked over to Olivia, who was still fending off the paramedics. One of them was standing back while the more determined of the two continued trying to examine Olivia's hands. "Leave me alone!" Olivia shouted, her voice muffled by the oxygen mask.

Cragen nodded to the paramedic, who shrugged and headed back downstairs with his partner. Olivia looked up at Cragen, a sort of dazed look in her eyes. "Captain, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened." She slipped the oxygen mask off, able to breathe normally again.

"You're on official leave, starting when you threw your first punch." Cragen was annoyed at the mess Olivia had created, but he couldn't be angry at her.

"What?! Captain, no, you can't."

"I don't want to see you anywhere near the station until you get yourself help."

"No!" Olivia was on her feet, her hands on Cragen's shoulders. "Please, don't do this, no, I can't..." She sank to her knees and started to sob. Cragen was so stunned that for a minute he didn't know what to do.

When his shock wore off, he crouched down in front of Olivia. "Liv, you need to take time off, you're suffering from PTSD. When you get the help you need you can come back, I promise your job will be waiting for you."

Olivia just nodded, unable to stop sobbing. Her mind was starting to clear and she felt embarrassed to be crying in front of Cragen. "I'm sorry, Captain."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Olivia gonna be alright, Captain?" Fin asked when Cragen entered the squad room. Cragen just nodded and headed into his office. Elliot, who was still angry that no one would tell him what's going on, followed.

"What the hell is going on?"

"It's none of your business, Elliot."

"She's my partner!"

"Then she can tell you herself if she wants. Let it go, Elliot." Elliot fumed for a minute, wanting to demand Cragen tell him, but finally his better judgement won out and he left. His better judgement didn't extend any further, unfortunately, and he not only left Cragen's office, he left the building. He got in his car and headed straight for Olivia's apartment.

Outside Olivia's door Elliot managed to restrain himself from banging full force on the door. He knocked firmly and continued in a steady rhythm until the door swung inwards and Elliot barely stopped his fist in time to avoid hitting her. "Elliot, please leave me alone."

"What the hell is going on? Cragen won't tell me anything. What happened up there?"

"It's none of your business, Elliot."

"You're my partner! Olivia, what's going on? Talk to me." Olivia shook her head and closed the door. Elliot didn't bother trying to stop her. He stood outside her door for a while, weighing the pros and cons of knocking again, then finally left.

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"You should be grateful for the time off." Brittany said, sipping a cooler.

"It's not the time off I mind. Cragen doesn't want me anywhere near the station until I get the counseling I need."

"Which means you can't sleep in the crib anymore." Olivia nodded. "I take it sleeping at home isn't going well."

"The crib is the only place I feel safe, and even there I can only get a few hours sleep."

"Let's not deal with that right now. I want to talk to you about your next step."

"Shouldn't I finish the first one before I move on?"

"Everyone says walking a path is just putting one foot in front of the other, but walking doesn't work like that. One foot supports your weight while the other swings forward, following a path parallel to the first. You have to coordinate your steps, shifting your weight from one foot to the next. Right now your foot is planted on the path, so now you need to swing your other leg forward. Some steps in your therapy may carry on longer than others, but that's alright; that's why you have two feet." She took another sip of the cooler.

"I can't believe you drink coolers. I haven't had a cooler since I first started drinking."

"It's more alcohol than beer and it tastes like Kool Aid – focus. Every victim reacts to varying degrees, based on events in their past, how sensitive they are by nature, and the assault itself. You seem to be reacting particularly badly to this event, and since you don't strike me as the cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat type, I suspect it has more to do with your past experiences. Right now your mind is focusing on the fact that you weren't technically raped. You feel ashamed because you're suffering so much and you feel you don't have a right to suffer. We need to fix that."

"I've gone down this road with my therapist. I know I have a right to feel the way I do, but that doesn't change anything."

"Repeating over and over to yourself that you have no reason to feel ashamed won't help. So I want you to think about all the things that have happened to you to make you feel the way you do. Let's start with when you were young. Do you know anyone who was sexually assaulted when you were young?"

"My mother."

Brittany was surprised. "Well, that explains a lot. How old were you?"

"Negative a couple days." Brittany looked confused for a minute, then nodded slowly as understanding hit.

"That explains even more. With all you see every day and your...heritage...it's no wonder you've reacted like this. But I suppose you know all this already." Olivia nodded. "What are you so afraid of?"

"What do you mean?"

"There's something about your past, something you've seen in your cases that scares you. You're afraid of it happening to you. What is it exactly you're so afraid of? Because believe me, Olivia, whatever it is you're running from is only driving you to even worse things."

Olivia shook her head. "I honestly don't know."

"Then you need to figure it out. Think about it and we'll talk about it at our next session." She drained the last mouthful of her cooler, set the bottle on the table and headed for the door. "I talked to James, by the way. He's not as freaked out by what happened as you assume – give him a call."

Olivia waited for a while after Brittany left, then picked up her phone. She stared at it for a while, put it down, picked it up again. After about half an hour of debating with herself she finally dialed the number. She held it to her ear, listening to it ring, not entirely sure whether or not she wanted anyone to answer. "Hello?" Still not sure, she had no choice but to let the conversation run its course.

"Hey, it's me."

"I was worried you might have dropped off the earth. It's good to hear from you. Is, uh...is everything alright?"

"Of course, why wouldn't it be?" Her violent outburst happened nearly a week ago and she had assured him since then that she was fine. What was he so worried about?

James sighed heavily into the phone, making a crackling sound in Olivia's ear. "Elliot came by. He wanted to know if I'd talked to you in the last couple days, asked me if I knew what was wrong with you. He was pretty upset, Liv. What happened?"

"My captain ordered me to take some time off. I've been having a rough time at work lately, that's all."

"You're lying." Olivia felt sort of insulted by his blunt accusation. He was right, of course, but that was beside the point. She couldn't help thinking that maybe it was for the best, though. Brittany had said Olivia needed someone to confide in and maybe she was right. On the other hand – though Olivia was pretty sure she had run out of hands now – she cared about James, felt connected to him, and she didn't want to ruin that. Pouring all of her problems on him would only drive him away, and that was the last thing she needed.

"I'm sorry, James. I just...I'm fine, really. You're going to have to trust me for now."

"Promise we'll talk about it when you're ready?"

"I promise." She couldn't be sure how long that would take, but if their relationship managed to last that long, she was sure she would keep that promise.

"You feel like going for a drink?"

"Isn't the person who makes the call supposed to extend the invitation?"

"I guess I'm just used to making the calls. So why did you call?"

"To see if you wanted to go for a drink." She smiled.

"Funny, I was just thinking that same thing. Pick you up in half an hour?" Olivia agreed and they hung up the phone.

An hour later they were sitting in a booth at their favourite bistro, sipping wine. "So Brittany said you two hit it off. What do you think of her?"

"I don't really know yet. What's she's doing for these women is really great, though." Olivia hoped she could change the subject soon.

"Yeah. I don't know much about her methods now, she prefers not to talk much about her patients, but she helped me more than any psychiatrist when I was a teenager."

"How did she help you?"

"You know, I don't remember much in the way of specifics. She helped me work through my anger, gave me some tough love, got me involved in community projects...all the stuff a juvenile delinquent needs."

"Delinquent?"

"I was a pretty angry kid. I blamed myself for my brother's death and my mom's. Totally confused when it came to sex I slept with every girl that came my way, and believe me, I don't say that proudly. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself for everything, but Brittany eventually convinced me that I was a victim and I needed help. Once I figured that out, things started changing fast. I picked my life up, brought my grades up and decided to go to med school. It was a pretty brutal struggle getting through all those years of school, but it was worth it. You know the children's ward at the local hospital was the first place I volunteered with Brittany."

Olivia took a long sip of her drink and James watched her, his head tilted, a smile playing at the corners of his lips. "I remember this one little girl, Abby. She had leukemia and was on her second round of chemo. She was convinced it was her fault that her mom was miserable, and her parents were always arguing. I spent weeks visiting her every day, convincing her it wasn't her fault. We sort of...healed each other. I love children, Olivia, but my love for them is no different from yours."

"You can talk about this all you want, but it's not going to change anything right now. I still haven't made up my mind. Isn't it enough that I'm here and we're having a good time?"

"No. I want you to trust me."

Olivia sighed and looked at him pleadingly. "Can you let it be enough for now?"

He sighed and then smiled sadly. "Sure. C'mon, let's go catch a movie."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Thank you, Sam, for..." Brittany froze, staring at the doorway. Everyone in the circle, confused, followed her gaze. "Welcome, Olivia. I didn't think you were coming."

"Sorry, the movie was longer than I planned." Brittany smiled as Olivia took her seat in the circle. The other women greeted Olivia and, while she felt uncomfortable exposing herself as a victim, she welcomed their greetings. Keeping everything bottled up was getting harder and harder, so maybe she needed to confess to others who could understand her.

"That's alright, I'm just glad you're here. Sam here just finished sharing her story with us. Perhaps you'd like to go next?" Olivia looked at her, startled, and shook her head. Brittany laughed. "It's alright; I don't expect you to tell every detail. I want you to share your struggles with the group."

Olivia nodded and took a deep breath. She wasn't a confident public speaker and, while the group wasn't very big, the topic of discussion didn't help her nervousness. "I was sexually assaulted a few months ago...but I guess you all knew that much. It's been really hard on me. Recently I sort of...flipped out at work. My boss has been urging me to take time off for a while now but I kept insisting I was fine. But after this incident he won't let me back until I get some help. Not that I'm complaining about having the time off. But my electric bill is through the roof now that I have nowhere to go at night. Work was the only place where I could feel safe enough to get a few hours sleep. Now not only am I going poor because of my electric bill, I have to invest a fortune in concealer, too." She smiled weakly and the other women returned her smile. The woman sitting next to her, who she later discovered was named Amanda, squeezed Olivia's hand comfortingly.

"How many of you have trouble sleeping with the lights off?" Brittany asked. More than half of the women in the circle raised their hands. "How many of you have difficulty looking in mirrors or out windows?" Only a few hands descended. "You see? We all know what it feels like. Those of you who didn't raise your hands may be comfortable in the dark now, but I know it took time. We all understand the fear and, perhaps even more crippling, the shame. That irrational shame that is left in place of piece he takes away with him." Olivia couldn't help wondering if Brittany understood more than she was letting on.

When the meeting ended Olivia stayed behind to talk to Brittany. "I'm really glad you came, Olivia. I know it's not easy for you to confide in any of your coworkers so I'm glad you can open up at least a little here."

"Have you ever been through it?" Olivia didn't want to be blunt, but she wanted to know.

"Of course. I talk about it from time to time in the circle, usually after we've had a few more new members who've never heard my story. I wouldn't say 'we' if I wasn't including myself." She spoke about it so openly; Olivia envied that in her.

"What happened to you?"

"My boyfriend raped me. His dad was a police officer so it all sort of got swept under the rug. Everyone said I was just overreacting; he was my boyfriend and he was just a little too excited. They can say whatever they want, but he forced himself on me while I was screaming at him not too; that's not...over excitement."

"I guess you don't think much of cops after having it swept away like that."

"I'm not one to hate an entire group of people because one person hurt me. Yes, corruption and cover-ups exist within law enforcement, but so do dedicated officers such as yourself. At least, assuming you are the sort of person I think you are."

"I am."

"Good. Anything else I can help you with?"

"Do you ever let your hair down and talk like a normal person?"

Brittany laughed. "It's been known to happen. Another day, perhaps. Good night, Olivia."

"Good night."

Olivia went back to her apartment after the meeting. She had gotten into the habit of carrying a small flashlight in her pocket rather than leaving a lamp on when she went out; it was a lot cheaper. She kept her bedroom and kitchen doors closed so she didn't have to turn on the extra lights. She had tried uncovering her mirrors but after a pretty severe panic attack in the bathroom she decided to just leave them covered. She was very careful to uncover them if anyone came over, though. If her guest had to wait a few extra minutes outside of her door, so be it.

Lately Olivia had taken to drinking a lot more. She knew it, could see it getting worse, but she didn't care – at least, not enough to stop. A couple screwdrivers at night calmed her nerves and helped keep the dreams at bay long enough for a few hours of sleep. With no job to worry about, she was drinking more and more each night. It scared her, especially with her mom's history of drinking, so she turned to James for help. He still didn't know about her problems and she hadn't told him about her drinking, but he didn't have to know anything to help her. Somehow just being there was enough.

Her scepticism about his job and his past wasn't on her mind at all. She still wasn't sure she could trust him or believe in his recovery, but the issues could wait. James, on the other hand, seemed bothered by her indecision and tried again and again to bring up the issue. Olivia managed to convince him that she just needed time to sort out her own problems before she could worry about the problem, which kept satisfied enough. Using that excuse, however, only made him bring up the subject of her own problems.

"You can trust me, Olivia."

"I know, James. I just need to figure this out on my own."

"But I want to help you."

"You are, just by being here. I promise."

"Why don't you just get a new job?" Olivia sat up and stared at him. "What? This job is obviously stressing you out. They forced you to take time off, Liv, there's obviously something wrong. You've been with SVU for a decade, 8 years longer than most detectives; you should really think about transferring- for your own sanity."

"You have no idea why I left."

"You're right, I don't, but what do you do every day other than go to work? If nothing happened there to cause you this kind of pain then what else is there in your life to go wrong?" Olivia just stared at him, mouth open slightly, unable to respond. "I'm sorry, Liv. I know this job means a lot to you, and I know you have your reasons, I just..." He shook his head.

"Get out," Olivia said softly.

"What?"

"Get out. I didn't invite you over so you could analyze my life."

"Why did you invite me over?"

"What do you mean? To have a drink, to...to talk - other perfectly acceptable reasons for wanting a little companionship."

"Really? You didn't just invite me over to distract you?" True as that may be, Olivia didn't like being accused. "If you want my help, ask, and I'll be more than happy to give it. If all you want is a drinking buddy and a distraction, find someone else. I don't like being used."

"I'm not using you!" James just shook his head and headed out the door.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"I figured it out."

"Uh...that's great?" Brittany just stared at Olivia, a little confused.

"You told me to figure out what I'm so afraid of. I think I figured it out." She was bouncing slightly on the spot, rubbing her freezing hands together; she'd forgotten her gloves.

Brittany was standing next to her car, which was stuffed with groceries. Olivia had arrived at her house just as she got back from shopping. Now she remembered her groceries and handed several bags to Olivia and lead her inside. When they had finished taking the groceries inside, Brittany spoke to Olivia as she put everything away. "So what is it you're afraid of, Olivia?"

"Being a victim." Brittany glanced at her as she walked towards the fridge, waiting for more. "I mean looking like a victim, acting like a victim."

"You don't want to seem weak, you mean."

"I see victims every day. I tell women every day they need to get help, to understand that it's not their fault; they have no reason to be ashamed. I should be able to deal with this."

"But that's just it, Olivia: you ARE capable of dealing with this. You're dealing with it right now, every day. Dealing with something doesn't mean you're not suffering, not struggling, it just means you keep going, keep living." She crushed one of the grocery bags into a ball and tossed it over Olivia's head to the empty laundry hamper behind. Olivia's face remained serious and Brittany's smile vanished. "This is good; you're making progress. Have you been sleeping at home?"

"I wouldn't call it sleeping."

"But you're at least spending the night in your own apartment, and that's a good start."

"I don't really have much choice."

"Well, regardless, it's not really important right now. You've figured out what it is you're afraid of. Now what are you going to do about it?"

"I thought that's what you were for."

Brittany smiled. "I hope you know you're paying for this impromptu session."

"I figured."

"Well, I think it's pretty clear. You're afraid of looking like a victim – so show everyone that you're a victim. Or rather, someone close to you; the whole world doesn't need to know your business. You need to show someone your vulnerability, someone you trust. No one is going to think you're weak because of this, and the sooner you confide in someone the sooner you'll realize that."

"I don't know if I can do that."  
"I don't think you can move on until you do. Find someone you trust, Olivia, and talk to them. You'll be surprised."

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Olivia considered not answering the door. She was tired, cranky, frustrated, and hadn't even finished her first beer. When the pounding continued, though, she got up and opened the door. Once again Elliot stopped his fist just short of hitting Olivia in the face; he quickly withdrew it. "What are you doing here, El?" Olivia rested her cheek against the edge of the door.

"I...I came to see if you're okay."

"Well I'm fine." Elliot nodded but made no move to leave. Olivia sighed. "You want a beer?" Elliot slipped past her into the apartment and she closed the door behind him. They both sat down on the couch and Olivia picked up her beer while Elliot opened a fresh one.

"How long did Cragen give you?"

"He didn't really specify."

"So when are you coming back?"

"I don't know, Elliot. A while." They fell into silence for a while.

Olivia finished her beer and Elliot handed her another. "What's going on, Liv? What the hell happened up on the roof?"Brittany had told her to talk to someone, and she knew Elliot was the only logical choice, but she still wasn't ready to talk to him.

"Elliot, please, just let it go."

Elliot stared at her for a minute, then nodded. He took another swig of his beer. "Got a new partner."

"How's that working out?"

"Some hot shot rookie, thinks he's God's gift to law enforcement." He shook his head and Olivia smiled. "He doesn't seem to understand the good cop, bad cop dynamic."

"You mean he jumps in first and forces you to play good cop." Elliot nodded and they both laughed. "You'll just have to straighten him out."

"I will."

"Just don't break any bones."

"You know, you never let me have any fun."

"If it weren't for me you wouldn't still be a detective." Elliot looked at her. "You know it's true. I'm the only person who can keep you in line; without me you would have lost your job a long time ago."

Elliot nodded and an awkward silence washed over them again. "Do you think we've been partners too long?"

"What do you mean?"

"When we go into a dangerous situation, I know what you're gonna do and you know what I'm gonna do. We're in sync, we rely on each other. But we can't really be partners for the rest of our careers, right? How are we supposed to get used to someone new?"

"I dunno, El, but I'm sure I'll be fine."

"And me?"

"Well, let's see, how many partners have you driven off since I first joined SVU?" She smirked and Elliot just shook his head.

"Do you think we really know everything about each other?"

"No. But we know what we need to know, I guess."

"Do you consider us friends?"

"What are we, in third grade?" Olivia put her beer down on the table and pulled her legs under her.

"When we go into a dangerous situation we both know what the other's gonna do. We work off each other in the interrogation room. We're in sync on the job. But I don't really know anything about you. Your past, your family, yeah, I know about that stuff. But I don't know the things a friend should know."

"Like what?"

"I dunno. Like...your favourite colour, your favourite music. I've never heard you scream or seen you cry or heard you really laugh."

"You've seen me cry."

"No, actually, I haven't."

Olivia thought about it for a minute, searching back through her memories, then sighed. "I guess you're right. But you've heard me laugh, I just did 2 minutes ago."

"I mean milk out of your nose, doubled over, can't breathe sort of laughter."

"I've never had milk come out of my nose." She smiled.

"You're not in the mood for serious, I get it." He took another swig of beer.

"Fine. My favourite colour is purple. Your turn."

"I hated you for transferring to computer crimes. And I missed you when you went to Oregon. And I knew you were never really interested in Moss."

Olivia just stared at him for a minute. When she recovered, she said, "I cried when Agent Cooper killed herself. I lost it in front of Lake."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I dealt with it. I moved on."

"When I got to the hospital after Kathy's accident I was ready to slap you, just go off on you. But when I saw her and Eli my head cleared and I was grateful you were there for them."

"I was jealous." It was Elliot's turn to stare. "After all your problems, all your late nights at work and lack of communication, you still got your family back with yet another addition while I had to keep coming back here to spend my nights alone."

"Liv...I'm sorry." He was shocked and couldn't think of anything more to say.

Olivia wiped her hot tears away furiously. "Well, there you go, we've strengthened our bonds. Now get out." She stood up and tried to walk to the kitchen, but Elliot stood up and put his hands on her shoulders, blocking her path.

"I'll leave if that's what you want. Just...Maybe it's not what you wanna hear, but you deserve to be happy. Those people at the adoption agency are idiots, and it's because of them that there are so many homeless children being lost in the system. You would be ten times the parent I am." He released her and turned towards the door.

"Wait." Olivia grabbed his arm and he turned around. She stared at him, her eyes filling with tears, trying to get a grip on her voice before she spoke. Before she could speak, Elliot wrapped his arms around her and she started to cry. It was an odd sensation for him, seeing this impossibly strong woman cry. "I'm tired of being alone."

"You don't have to be. I'm here for you, Liv."

"Harris attacked me." Olivia lifted her eyes to Elliot's and he just stared, waiting for her to continue, his arms still wrapped around her. She rested her head on his shoulder again, not wanting to see his reaction as she spoke. "He took me to the basement. I shouldn't have let him, but I didn't realize where we were going until it was too late. He had a mattress on the floor and he threw me down. I got up and he pushed me against the wall. He undid the handcuffs and I hit him and ran. I tried to hide but there was nowhere to go. It didn't take him long to find me. He hit me a couple times with his club until I was on my knees. I hit him and ran towards the door, but it was locked. I yelled, but no one could hear me. He cuffed me to the door and pulled down his pants. I just cried and begged him to let me go."

"He raped you?" Elliot pushed Olivia away a little so he could look at her, but she avoided his gaze.

"No. Fin came down just in time. He...he saw me there. I was a total mess. I begged him not to tell anyone, not to talk about it. We had to tell Cragen what happened but we left out the details; he doesn't need to know how I felt."

"Liv, why didn't you tell me?" He pulled her into a hug again.

"I couldn't, El, I'm sorry."

"So on the roof..."

"He hit me with a pipe, the same way Harris hit me. I just sort of...lost it. I'd been having flashbacks for a while, but on that roof they just took over. I couldn't bring myself out of it. I couldn't let myself be a victim again; I didn't want to be on my knees begging again." She closed her eyes in an effort to keep her tears from escaping.

Elliot sighed and rested his cheek on the top of Olivia's head. "I'm sorry. I wish I'd known."

"At least now you've seen me cry," she said, smiling weakly.

"This isn't really what I had in mind," he said, releasing her so she could wipe her tears.

"What, you expected us to cry together over a chick flick?" They both laughed. "I'm okay, El, really. I just need some time to deal with this."

"I'm glad you finally told me. If you need anything just call."

"I will. Thanks, Elliot."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

"That was fast."

"I didn't plan on telling him, he just showed up and the opportunity was there."

"Well, whatever your plans were, it's a step forward. Have you talked to James since your argument?"

"How do you know we had an argument?"

Brittany stretched out in the reading nook and turned her head lazily towards Olivia. "I'm his best friend, remember? He told me about your argument."

"What did you tell him?"

"That whatever you're going through isn't easy and he just has to be patient; you'll come around eventually."

"So he doesn't know I'm seeing you?"

"Of course not, that's private."

"What did he say when you told him to be patient?"

"You're paying for this hour and this is what you want to talk about?" Olivia just shrugged. "He said I was right and the lack of trust between you two was just getting under his skin. He'll probably call you later. Shall we get back to why we're here?"

"I suppose. What should I focus on now?"

"How much sleep do you get on average?"

"About three hours."

"Three hours a day?"

"More like a week."

"Is it something specific keeping you awake or is it just a general anxiety?"

"It's mostly the nightmares." Olivia looked down at her hands. She'd been plagued by nightmares before, but they never bothered her enough to interrupt her sleep cycle; she could always convince herself they were just dreams and go back to sleep. These recent nightmares were terrifying and suffocating. Not only did they wake her up when she finally fell asleep, but they also plagued her in her waking hours so she dreaded nightfall.

"Have you ever tried hypnosis?"

"I already know what's causing the dreams, what is hypnosis going to do?"

"If you respond well it could stop them. At the very least I can make them seem less frightening. It all depends on how well you respond to the hypnosis, but it's worth a try."

"Uh...alright."

"Relax, I won't make you do anything stupid. People are always afraid of that when I suggest hypnotherapy. Have a seat on the couch." Olivia did as she was told and Brittany got a chair from the kitchen and sat down in front of Olivia. "Are you sure you're okay with this? It won't work if you don't want it to."

"I'm ready. I want to get back to sleeping at night."

"Have you ever been hypnotized before?"

"Yes. I was having some trouble with drinking. I still had control over it but I was worried it would get worse. A friend suggested her therapist so I gave it a try."

"Did it work?"

"I stopped drinking."

"Excellent. I'm going to try a rapid induction, then. I don't usually try it on people who've never been hypnotized before, that's why I asked. Stand up." Olivia obeyed and Brittany stood up, too. Once again Olivia was amazed at how short Brittany actually was when they were standing near each other. "Give me your hand." Olivia obeyed and rested her left hand on Brittany's right. "Press on my hand." Olivia obeyed. "Close your eyes." Olivia obeyed. "Sleep." Brittany swiftly withdrew her hand and Olivia's fell to her side as her head lolled forward. Brittany rubbed the back of Olivia's neck so her head swayed slightly. "Just relax, your legs are strong beneath you. Feel the gentle motion of your head making you feel peaceful as you go deeper and deeper. In a moment you'll be able to open your eyes, but as soon as I say sleep," she snapped her fingers as she said the word, "your eyes will close immediately. Now open your eyes."

Olivia's eyes opened. She felt strange, but relaxed. "Sit down." Olivia obeyed. "Feeling okay?"

"Yes."

"Good. Sleep." Brittany snapped her fingers and Olivia's head fell forward, her eyes closed. "You're feeling very relaxed right now. Your muscles are relaxed, you arms limp at your side." She lifted Olivia's arm and then let go, letting it fall back onto the couch without resistance. "When you wake up again you will continued feeling calm and relaxed. There's nothing here to be afraid of. Think about the dreams you've been having. You will remember them in great detail, but you won't be afraid of them because I'm here, and it's daytime right now. Open your eyes." Olivia opened her eyes and looked up at Brittany, who smiled. "Tell me about your dreams, Olivia, the ones that have been keeping you awake at night."

"They're not always the same, but most of them involve me running away."

"What are you running from?"

"I can never actually see anyone, but I know it's Harris; I can feel it."

"In the dreams, are you back at the prison?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes I'm on the street. Sometimes in a completely unfamiliar place. It changes all the time."

"Tell me about the things that don't change."

"In a lot of the dreams I end up looking in some kind of mirror, or sometimes my reflection in a window. I'm always wearing an orange jumper."

"Can you see him in the mirror?"

"No."

"When you wake up, how do you feel?"

"Afraid."

"Of what?"

"Of being helpless again. In the dreams I can't run properly; it feels like I'm trying to run underwater. I can't scream, either. And sometimes, if I'm running somewhere inside, it's dark, but when I find a light switch it won't work."

"Those are very common symbols of helplessness and loss of control in dreams."

"I know that."

"Sleep." Brittany snapped her fingers and Olivia was asleep again. "Let yourself relax again. Feel yourself going deeper and deeper into a place where you feel most at ease. Let yourself go to a place where you feel in control again. Let that feeling of strength and confidence fill you. Concentrate on those feelings; let them push aside your feelings of fear and helplessness and doubt. Whenever you wake up after a terrible nightmare, you will focus on breathing deeply, and as you breathe you will feel your fear become less and less. And as your fear becomes less and less, your feelings of self-confidence will grow more and more, until your fear is gone. You will tell yourself 'It was only a dream. It can't hurt me.' Say it now, Olivia."

"It was only a dream. It can't hurt me," Olivia repeated.

"Very good. When you awake you will remember nothing of this session, but you will feel more relaxed and in control, and your dreams will no longer prevent you from a good night's sleep. Wake up." Olivia opened her eyes. "All done. How do you feel?"

"Much better, actually."

"Glad to hear it. Do you remember anything?"

"No, should I?"

"Nope, no need. Will you be at the meeting Thursday night?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Good, I'll see you then."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Hang on, hang on!" Olivia muttered as she opened her door and raced for the phone. "Hello?" She said, picking up the phone.

"Hey, it's me." Olivia was silent, unable to think of anything to say. "James."

Olivia laughed. "I know who it is, I just..." She trailed off.

"Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry, Liv. Can we talk?"

"What are we doing now?"

He chuckled. "I meant in person. Meet me at the Bistro in an hour?"

"Sure."

Olivia met James an hour later at their favourite restaurant. He was sitting in their usual booth in the back. He smiled and stood up when she saw Olivia. They hugged for a minute before sitting down across from each other. "I'm glad you called," Olivia said.

"I'm glad to hear that; I was worried you wouldn't want to talk to me. I'm so sorry about what I said, Liv."

"No, you were right. I really just invited you over so I wouldn't have to sleep alone."

"Ouch."

She smiled . "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I really do care about you, James, but I've been having a rough time lately."

"So you really have just been going out with me as a distraction."

"Hey, that's not fair. You're not just a distraction, I swear. I've been having trouble sleeping and it helps having someone there."

"So you were only using at night. That makes me feel much better." James sighed. "You're right, I'm being unfair. I just...I can't stand you not trusting me."

"I...I want to, I just...This job has screwed me up so much I don't know what to believe anymore. Trust is something we'll just have to build as we go along. I trust you enough to let you spend the night; is that enough for you right now?"

James nodded. "I can deal with that." He rested his hand on top of hers.

"Does this mean it'll be a while before you spend the night again?"

"Are you gonna beat me up again?" He smiled. Olivia managed a wry smile and James sighed. "I'm kidding, Liv. You're obviously not ready to confide yet, but I told you I'd help you if you needed it and I will. If that involves spending the night, I think I can make that sacrifice."

They both smiled. "How noble of you."

"Do you wanna go catch a movie?"

"Shouldn't we eat first?"

"If you insist." They ate a small meal and then headed to the theatre. Olivia wasn't that interested in the movie, but she felt relaxed leaning against James. When the movie was over he drove Olivia back to her apartment. They sat in the car in silence for a minute.

"I don't want you to feel like I'm using you anymore," Olivia finally said.

"I was being an idiot. You needed my help."

"I didn't deal with it very well. I should have had the guts to just ask for help."

"Yeah, you should have." He smiled.

"...Help." James got out of the car and Olivia followed. They walked up to her apartment together. Olivia opened up a bottle of wine and they curled up on the couch together. Olivia meant to just have a few drinks and then go to bed, but she was so exhausted she fell asleep next to James before she even finished her first drink. He just wrapped his arms around her, pulled the blanket down from the back of the couch and drifted off to sleep himself.

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She was running down the hallway. Down the stairs, trying desperately to move faster, but her feet felt like they were moving through mud. She opened a door to another hall and tried to scream but nothing came out. She kept running, willing her feet to move faster. The hall was dark so she tried to turn on the lights but the switch wouldn't work. She tried again to scream but again there was silence. She managed to make it to the end of the hall, but there was nothing there except for a big window, black because it was dark outside. She saw herself standing in an orange jumpsuit, her eyes red from crying. She heard sounds behind her and she tried to scream again as she felt his grip on her shoulder. No...

Olivia awoke with a start, hands flying to her shoulder before she realized who it was. "Liv, it's okay, it's just me." She relaxed. She was on the couch next to James, her head resting on his chest. "You were whimpering."

"I...Sorry."

"Don't be. Are you alright?"

Olivia closed her eyes and let her breathing slow and the memory of the dream subsided. "It was a just a dream. It can't hurt me."

James smiled. "Good to know."

"What time is it?"

"4 in the morning. You should go back to sleep." Olivia rested her head on James chest again; he was already drifting off. Olivia considered getting up and making herself something to eat, as she often did in the middle of the night, but she couldn't for two reasons: she didn't want to bother James by turning on all the lights, which she would have to do if she left his side, and she was too exhausted to move. To her surprise, she didn't even realize she was falling asleep until she woke up the next morning to see that it was after 8 and James was gone.

Olivia sat up and stretched her arms up over her head, arching her back. She stood up and headed into the kitchen, where James was cooking bacon and eggs. "Hey, you're up. Hungry?"

"Starving. It's been a while since I slept through the night."

"Glad I could help."

"I think my therapist had something to do with it. She hypnotized me yesterday."

"Hypnotized? Cool, I've always wanted to try that."

"You've never done it?" She was surprised, since James's best friend was a trained hypnotherapist. She reminded herself not to bring that up, though.

"Brittany offered to do it a couple times, but I'm afraid of her making me quack like a duck of something. I don't really need hypnotherapy, so it wouldn't be that interesting for her, and I'm not paying to see another therapist just because I'm curious."

Olivia considered feigning curiosity about Brittany's training, but she didn't want to lie to James. She wasn't ready to tell him the whole truth, but she wouldn't lie to him. "I didn't know you could cook."

"There's a lot you don't know about me." He smiled.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

A month has passed since Olivia returned to work and stupid, stupid Elliot had gone and got himself suspended. He disobeyed orders and nearly got himself killed in an undercover sting. So now Olivia must anxiously await her new, temporary partner. She would rather work with Munch or Fin, but Cragen had his doubts about Munch working with someone new. Great.

When Olivia arrives at work, Cragen is busy talking to someone in his office. Olivia approaches Munch, who is pouring himself a cup of lousy coffee. "Is my new partner here yet?"

"I don't think so. You know anything about him?"

"Someone named Brian Carter, that's all I know."

"Olivia?" Cragen waves Olivia into his office. She follows him inside and he shuts the door behind her. "I want you to meet your new partner, Detective Carter."

Detective Carter was about Olivia's height, with reddish-brown hair and green eyes. Olivia doesn't notice any of these things, though, because she is shocked to discover that Brian Carter is female. "It's pronounced Brianne." Clearly she noticed Olivia's surprise. She speaks with a thick Irish accent and Olivia wonders how long she's been living in America.

Olivia takes the hand Brian has offered and smiles. "She'll be working with you until Elliot gets back. Try not to get each other killed." Olivia smiled faintly and the two detectives leave Cragen's office.

"I didn't think women were allowed to partner with each other," Munch says when Olivia has filled him in.

"It's not an actual rule, just a general guideline. Any woman who makes it through the academy is tough enough to handle herself," Fin says.

"After working with Elliot for ten years I'm sure Olivia's man enough for both of you," Fin says to Brian, but she gives just the barest hint of a smile before going over to Elliot's desk to review the case file Cragen had given her.

"Not much for small talk, is she?" Munch says, watching Brian go.

Olivia shrugs. "As long as she doesn't get me killed she doesn't have to say a word."

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"How long have you been in this unit?" Brian finally asks after hours of silence. She and Olivia are sitting in the car, staking out a suspected child molester. Olivia's been enjoying the silence, because there's something about Brian that gives her the creeps, for lack of a better explanation. Brian insists on breaking it, though, and it just isn't feasible for Olivia to feign deafness in such a confined space.

"Over ten years."

"I thought most detectives were out of here after 2 years or less."

"I'm not most detectives."

"What about your partner?"

"He's been here ever longer than I have. What about you? What unit did you transfer from?"

"Narcotics." When Olivia turns to her with a raised eyebrow, she crossed her arms. "What's that look for?"

"You must stick out like a sore thumb in Brooklyn."

"It helps, actually. People see a little Irish girl and they assume she's just some idiot runaway who doesn't know what she's got at home." She smiles. "A little girl too scared to rat out a drug dealer."

Olivia smiles and turns her attention back to the apartment they're supposed to by watching. The conversation doesn't end here, though, because Olivia's interest has been piqued and she's eager to learn more about her new partner. "How long have you been living here?"

"In this city or this country?"

"Both."

"I've been in the country for 15 years. I've been in New York about 12. I moved here specifically to work narcotics."

"So how'd you end up in Elliot's seat?"

"Needed a change of pace, I suppose. Captain said you guys were looking for a temporary detective, so I volunteered."

"So what do you think so far?"

"I miss the adrenaline rush, but I'd rather work here than homicide."

"You obviously haven't been here long enough."

Brian tears her eyes away from the door she's been watching religiously to look at Olivia. "You're telling me you prefer the dead over the living?"

"Dealing with live victims really eats you up. At least when they're dead, it's easier to pretend they didn't suffer. When they're alive, you can't help but think about their pain, their shame, the constant struggled their life has become." Olivia shakes her head.

"I'd rather see rape victims struggling to move on than kids scrambling for cash to get high. At least the women you deal with are actually victims, truly faultless victims. Kids on the streets – it's just not clear cut. Some say it's their fault for getting in to drugs, some blame the parents, the neighbourhood...even the ones that want to get clean don't have the resources and the support they need to actually do it. I respect what you do, Olivia, but I'll take your victims over mine any day."

**I don't actually know the NYPD's rules about women being partners, but this is just a fanfic**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"How's it working out?" Elliot asks, pouring himself a glass of orange juice. He's curious to hear about Olivia's new partner. Partly because he resented someone else working with Olivia, and partly because he'd never heard about two women partnering and he wondered whether or not it could work.

Olivia shrugs, leaning against the doorframe. "She's got a knack for connecting the dots, but I wouldn't trust her with a vic."

"No compassion?"

"I can't really explain it, actually. There's just something about her that makes me uneasy, and if I can pick it up I'm sure other people can."

"But you work well together?" Olivia nods. "Well then you have nothing to worry about. You always play the good cop, anyway."

"I was sort of hoping a female partner would give me the chance to try something new." They both smile.

Changing the subject, Elliot asks, "How are things going with you and James?"

It's a subject Olivia would rather not discuss with Elliot, but he'll just go to James if she won't answer him. "Really well. I'm glad you introduced us." Elliot nods. Olivia looks at her watch and sees she's going to be late for work if she doesn't leave soon. "Gotta go. Get back to work soon." Elliot nods. "And El? Don't ever do anything that stupid again."

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"You're late."

"Arrest me." Olivia smiles, lying her coat on the seat next to her and sliding into the booth across from James. He returns her smile.

"I hope you don't mind, I went ahead and ordered our usual. You want something to drink?"

"Just tea. So tell me something."

"It's physically impossible to kiss your elbow."

Olivia shakes her head. "That's not really what I had in mind."

"You should be more specific, then." Olivia is so lost in James's charming smile that she completely forgets what she meant to ask him.

After dinner James and Olivia head back to her apartment. At first Olivia isn't at all nervous inviting James to her apartment, but she quickly remembers that every night spent with James has resulted in her falling asleep before they've even finished their drinks. Now that she is sleeping better, she feels wide awake and this will be the first chance she has to be intimate with James. Normally she doesn't worry about having sex with a man for the first time, but this isn't just any man. For the first time in a long time she actually cares about making this night good.

"Olivia?" Olivia snaps out of her thoughts and sees James looking a little concerned. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just daydreaming I guess. Did you say something?"

"I said we need keys to get inside." Olivia realizes they're in front of her building and she blushes slightly. She pulls out her keys and leads James upstairs. Once inside her apartment James goes into the kitchen.

"You're not still hungry, are you?" Olivia calls after him, tossing her coat onto the couch.

"No, I just thought we'd have dessert. We didn't have any at the restaurant."

"It's a miracle I have any food at all in here and you actually expect to find dessert? Good luck."

James laughs. "Well, you can make it up to me, then."

"Oh? What did you have in mind?" Before Olivia can even finish turning around James grabs her by the hips and lifts her onto the counter. She yelps in surprise, but the sound is swallowed by his lips on hers. As she slides her hands down his back she feels something vibrating and their kiss is broken.

James curses softly and pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, flipping it open. "Hello? Uh...no, actually. Do you know what time it is? Yeah, I...I know, I'm sorry. Hey, don't...no, I'm not mad, I just..." he sighs heavily. "Alright, what does it look like?" Long pause as the person on the other end talks and James listens intently. "You don't have to worry about every bruise. I know, you only hit it lightly, but you do bruise pretty easily. That doesn't mean anything's wrong. Lucy...Lucy, listen..." he sighs again. "Lucy! Go to bed, get some sleep, and if you're still worried about it in the morning you can call me again, okay? Good night." He closes his phone and slips it back into his pocket with another heavy sigh. "Sorry about that."

"What was that all about?"

"Lucy. She was a patient of mine – leukemia. Her recovery went really well, we caught it early, but her family is a complete mess. Her dad ran out on them and her mom is a basket case. I know I'm not really supposed to but I gave her my cell number in case she needed anyone to talk to. She's a good kid." He looks up at Olivia, who is staring at him blankly. "She needs someone to talk to, Olivia, preferably a competent adult. That's all it is."

Olivia smiles and wraps her arms around him, pulling him closer. "I know."

"I'm worried about her."

"It's pretty late for her to be calling her doctor."

"She's been doing it a lot lately, and she always sounds so freaked out. She told me last time she's failing English and that's her best subject. I think there's something wrong at home." Olivia kisses his forehead softly.

"I can check it out for you if you want."

"That would be great." He leans back to look into her eyes. "You really believe me?"

"Yes, I really believe you."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

"Did you get any sleep last night? You look terrible."

"Thanks." Olivia yawns yet again and Brian shakes her head.

"Mrs. Rose came in about ten minutes ago, claims her daughter's been raped. I wanted to wait for you to get here before talking to her. They're sitting at your desk." Olivia nods, following Brian to her desk, where she sees a woman and her roughly eight year-old daughter are sitting.

"Mrs. Rose? I'm Detective Olivia Benson and this is my partner Detective Brian Carter."

"Please, call me Sarah. This is my daughter, Lucy." Olivia pauses for a fraction of a second before taking the hand Sarah has offered her and smiling.

"Are you alright staying out here while I talk to your mom?" Olivia asks Lucy, who nods. She doesn't look sad, nervous or scared, but there is something off in her expression that Olivia can't help notice. "Don't worry, we won't be long."

Brian and Olivia lead Sarah into an interview room. Sarah and Olivia sit down across from each other while Brian stands in the corner. Olivia is glad she has chosen to watch rather than participate; she doesn't have high hopes for Brian's 'bedside manner'. "Sarah, you believe your daughter has been raped?"

"I know she was." She's clearly distraught.

"How do you know?" Brian asks. Completely devoid of compassion or even interest, but the statement is simple enough that Sarah doesn't notice.

"She hasn't been applying herself at all in school lately. She wants to be a doctor, and she's always tried very hard. I talked to her teachers and they say she's not socialising with the other children, even though they all seem happy to have her back at school."

"She's been out of school?"

"She had leukemia, but she's in remission now. We caught it early." She smiles and Olivia manages to return a faint smile. This story is starting to sound more and more familiar and Olivia's stomach is churning. Benefit of the doubt, innocent until proven guilty – Olivia keeps repeating these phrases in her head but they both sound ridiculous. Stupid, stupid, stupid sounds much more accurate.

"You still haven't said what makes you so sure," Brian says.

"When she was at the hospital she developed a close relationship with her doctor. At first I thought it was great, since she really doesn't have any male figure in her life, but I found out her was visiting her at night in the hospital, after his shift. And now I find out she's calling him at all hours of the night on her cell phone. She was fine until I told her she couldn't talk to him anymore. He's taken advantage of my daughter and I want him arrested."

"What's his name?" Olivia asks. 'Right, as if I don't already know,' Olivia thinks.

"James Madison."

Olivia nods and excuses herself. Unsure what else to do, Brian follows her to the crib, where she collapses on one of the cots, her hands over her face. "Something wrong?" Brian asks.

"I know him."

"Madison?"

"Yeah. He's..." _my boyfriend_, "a friend of Elliot's."

"Just because the mom accuses him doesn't mean anything. Sounds to me like she's in denial of her daughter's depression and she's looking for someone to blame. Let's talk to the girl before we make any conclusions."

"He has a history of abuse."

"He's been accused before?"

"No, he was sexually abused as a child."

"Well...that still doesn't mean he's guilty." Olivia just drapes her arm over her eyes and shakes her head. "If you were so worried about his past you shouldn't have slept with him." Olivia sits up suddenly, but Brian is already heading back to the squad room.

When Olivia arrives back at her desk she sees Sarah standing next to her daughter, who is still seated in front of Olivia's desk. "Sarah, do you mind giving me a few minutes alone with Lucy?" Sarah looks nervous, but she nods and gives her daughter a reassuring smile. Olivia leads the girl to the interview room and closes the door behind them.

"I know what my mom thinks," Lucy says before Olivia can even sit down.

"Is it true?"

"Of course not, my mom just hates him."

"You've been calling him at strange hours."

"I can't sleep."

"Lucy, do you ever talk to your dad?" Brian sits down on the corner of the table and Olivia can't help being a little worried. She really shouldn't judge Brian without ever seeing her conduct an interview, but she can't help feeling uneasy.

Lucy shakes her head. "No. He left so long ago I don't even remember him."

"And your mom's never had a steady boyfriend." It's phrased like a question, but it clearly isn't.

"No. It's not like there are men parading through the house, though; she mostly keeps them out of the house."

"Dr. Madison is the first man who's ever really cared about you." Lucy nods. "And when you got better, you didn't want to lose that." Lucy nods again. "Is that why you've been so upset? Not sleeping?"

Olivia expects Lucy to nod again, and clearly Brian does, too. Instead, Lucy shuts down completely, and neither Brian nor Olivia can get anything more out of her. It takes some convincing and some dirty looks passed over Lucy's head, but Olivia finally convinces Brian to leave, and she is alone with Lucy. "Lucy? I know you're upset. But if someone really is hurting you, I can help you."

"No, you can't."

"It's my job to protect children, and I work very hard."

"I don't want your help. You're going to put him in jail. You can't put him in jail!"

"Lucy...are you in love with him?"

"Look at me! No boy is ever gonna love me!" She crosses her arms on the table, rests her head on her arms and begins to sob. Olivia strokes her hair gently, wishing she could strangle the man who did this. Too bad she's also in love with him. Crap.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"Did she say it was Madison?"

"Sort of," Brian says.

"She confessed to being in love with 'him', but that was almost an hour after we mentioned Madison. It's definitely who she was talking about, though." Olivia's stomach is churning threateningly again, but she manages to hide it well.

"Bring in Madison." Cragen looks almost as disgusted as Olivia feels as he walks back to his office.

"You going to be alright? I'll do the interrogation if you want."  
"No, I want to be in there."

"Let me do the talking."

Olivia considers protesting, but she doesn't think she can handle this. She'd rather not admit that to Brian, but at this point she's pretty sure she'll throw up in the interrogation room before she gets a confession. "Yeah, alright."

Unfortunately they can't just pick up the phone and call James down to the station. Well, theoretically that might work if it were Olivia making the call, but there's a procedure to be followed. Luckily for Olivia, though, Much and Fin volunteer to pick him up. Maybe on some level they've picked up on her anxiety. As long as Cragen doesn't pick up on it, and Brian keep her mouth shut, Olivia's pretty sure she can get through this without winding up in an IAB investigation.

When James enters the squad room in between Munch and Fin, he looks angry, frustrated, and a little nervous. At first his face lights up when he sees Olivia, but it quickly falls when he sees her expression. He becomes even more miserable when the interrogation room door closes and he realized Olivia is one the detectives interrogating him. "Liv, you have to believe me, I..."

"She doesn't _have_ to do anything," Brian says.

James's gaze flickers back and forth from Olivia to Brian before resting once again on Olivia. "You told me you trusted me."

"That was before a little girl came in here to prove me wrong."

"I didn't do anything to her! Lucy and I are close, but she's like a daughter to me, I'd never hurt her!"

"Lots of fathers hurt their daughters," Brian says.

James slams his fists on the table angrily. "I didn't hurt Lucy!"

"She says you did."

"No, you're lying, Lucy would never say that."

"You coach her?"

"No! Dammit, I didn't do anything! Take fingerprints, DNA, whatever you want, I didn't hurt her!"

"Nice try, but we both know you're not stupid enough to leave that kind of evidence lying around. You studied forensics for a year before going to med school." Olivia wonders when and how Brian came across this information.

"I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life."

"You told me you wanted to be a daughter before you left high school," Olivia says.

"I did. Until Abby died. Seeing the doctors, knowing they couldn't do anything for her...I had trouble dealing with it. I thought maybe forensics would give me a chance to help people, but it didn't take long to realize justice is even more screwed up than medicine. Look, are you gonna arrest me?" Brian glares at him for a minute before shaking her head reluctantly. "Then I'm leaving." Brian stands up and leaves the room, pausing for only a fraction of a second to glance at Olivia.

"Don't leave the city," Brian calls after him. "Think Sarah will let Lucy be examined?"

"Maybe, but does it really matter? We both know he didn't leave anything behind."

"Maybe he didn't leave DNA, but there might be evidence of trauma."

Olivia sighs. "Lucy's not talking any time soon. I'll ask the mom."

Sarah reluctantly consents to the rape exam. Lucy is miserable, and Olivia feels guilty about putting her through such an invasive exam at such a young age. Lucy is miserable, as expected, but she doesn't complain about the exam and she doesn't say a word about the rape. Olivia is standing outside her room waiting anxiously when the doctor comes out, looking almost as miserable as Lucy. "Was she raped?"

"Either that or this eight year old is having some pretty rough sex. I hope you lock this bastard up."

"That's what we're trying to do, but we could really use some physical evidence."

"Sorry, Detective, but there's none on her. I wish I could do more."

"That's alright. How's Lucy doing?"

"She's not happy about being poked and prodded, but what little girl would be? She seems to be holding up alright, considering what she's been through. You think she'll tell you anything?"

"Doesn't look like it. I think she's in love with her abuser."

"Dammit. When you get him, give him a good hard kick in the nuts." The doctor leaves to finish up her paperwork and Olivia waits for Lucy and Sarah to emerge.

Olivia's thoughts keep spiralling around. She feels sickened by what Lucy has been through, but she can't help thinking 'why me'. Why did James have to be a pedophile? He's the first man Olivia has loved in a very long time, and she was so sure she could have a life and a family with him. Now she must face going home alone again, and she's not sure she can handle it. Her selfish thoughts only make her feel worse, though, because it's her job to think about the victim. What he did to Lucy is so much worse than what he did to Olivia. Yet she can't help thinking that at least Lucy has a chance to heal and move on to find real love and have a family; Olivia's last chance just flew out the window – after shattering it and stabbing her with a few jagged edges.

"Detective Benson?" Olivia is startled out of her thoughts by Sarah. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just daydreaming I guess." She smiles reassuringly and Sarah does her best to return it. Lucy has taken a seat so her mom can talk to Olivia.

"The doctor said there was no physical evidence. Is that bad?"

"We'll find another way to get him. Don't worry."

"I know about Madison's past."

This isn't what Olivia was expecting to hear. "How did you find out?"

"Old internet articles. His abuse was one of the worst cases police had seen in decades, it was all over the news at the time. It's no wonder he became an abuser himself. That's not an excuse, of course. He's a monster. You really should read the evidence, it might help Lucy's case." Olivia nods and assures her she will check into it.

Back at the precinct, Olivia slips into the bathroom before anyone notices her. After making sure the washroom is empty, she locks the door, locks herself in the farthest stall, and sobs.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

"Olivia, I was starting to think you'd dropped off the face of the earth. How are you?" Brittany glances up just briefly from the book she is skimming through. "You look like shit."

"Thanks. Do you mind?"

"Is this an official session?"

"Does it matter?" Olivia is fighting back tears. Brittany hears the shaking in her voice and sets the book aside.

"Sit down, Olivia." Olivia sits down across from Brittany. The chairs in the conference room are still set up in a circle from the meeting Olivia purposely missed.

"I shouldn't be here."

"On the contrary, you look like this is exactly where you should be. What happened?"

"I can't tell you."

"Well, this seems pretty pointless then, doesn't it?"

"It's an open investigation, I'm not allowed to talk about it."

"Give me the gist."

"I was...betrayed. By someone close to me. And I don't know what to do."

"You trusted this person."

"I shouldn't have, but I did."

Brittany sighs. "Olivia...I don't want to do this, but I don't think I'm the person you should be talking to."

"Why?" Olivia's pretty sure she knows why, but it's best to clarify.

"There are only two people in your life right now that you really trust, other than me. Elliot, and James. And since I'm pretty sure you'd fall apart if Elliot ever betrayed you, and James is the one with the shady past, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who we're talking about. It also doesn't take a genius to figure out what sort of investigation you're involved in. So if you really intend to obey the rules and not talk about an open investigation, you need to find someone else to talk to."

"You already know what the investigation is about." Brittany nods. "I didn't reveal any information to you directly." Brittany watches Olivia, waiting for her to make a decision. After a few minutes of silence, Olivia shakes her head. Still fighting back tears, she lets out a shaky sigh. "I was stupid enough to trust someone I don't know. I won't do that again."

Brittany quickly stands and grabs Olivia's arm before she can leave. "Olivia, you can't let this ruin you. I already have everything I would need to warn James, or whatever it is you think I might do. I don't need details in the case, I just need to know what you're feeling. You can trust me, I promise."

"That's what he said." Olivia can't hold in her tears anymore, but she manages to keep from sobbing.

"Sit down. You need to talk to someone."

"If IAB find out..."

"They won't. And if you were really worried about that you wouldn't have come. Now sit down." Olivia obeys and the two sit back down. "Last time I talked to James he told me you didn't trust him."

"He got a call from a little girl one night while we were at his apartment. He insisted it was nothing, and I told him I believed him. There was just something about the way he spoke to her and the sincerity in his voice...that's what I thought at the time. Maybe I was just so desperate for a relationship..."

"Don't beat yourself up like that."

"Don't you feel at all betrayed? You've known him so much longer, and you trusted him too."

"I still do."

"What? How can you say that? I wouldn't be here if this was just some panicked mother looking for someone to blame for her daughter's misery."

Brittany sighs. "Maybe you're right, and maybe he did hurt that girl, but I don't know any of the details, and until I hear more I'm not tossing aside out friendship. Besides, worrying about it now won't help me and it certainly won't help you."

Olivia considers this for a few minutes, then continues. "I've been working in SVU for a decade. It's changed me a lot, and not for the better. I'm reserved, paranoid, I can't help seeing the worst in people...I've never seen an abuser who wasn't abused as a child. But James made a good point when he said that not every abuse victim becomes an abuser. I just wanted so badly to trust him, to believe there are a few good people still left in the world." Now Olivia is crying so hard she is shaking and she can barely get her words out. "I need him. I love...I loved him."

"You finally put your trust in someone and they betrayed that trust. It's not an easy thing to get over."

"I figured that out all on my own," Olivia says when she manages to regain some composure.

"At a time like this you really need someone you trust to lean on and confide in. Right now I know you want to close yourself off to other people, to protect yourself, but that's the worst thing you can do. You held the match and it burned you, but when you're stuck in the woods alone you have no choice but to strike another match or die. Reach out, Olivia. Someone will take your hand and lead you where you need to be."

"This is more than just a singed finger." Unable and unwilling to talk anymore, Olivia quickly gets up and leaves. Brittany sighs and starts cleaning up the conference room, wishing there was more she could do for Olivia.

SVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVUSVU

"Liv? You in here?" Olivia is once again sleeping in the crib. Her nightmares have become much darker and more terrifying since discovering the truth about James, and the precinct is the only place she feels safe. In the past she could at least get a few hours of sleep in the crib, which is why she chose to sleep there. Now it is the only place where she can get through to night without experiencing a panic attack. She's spiralling downhill fast and, though she's perfectly aware of it, she feels powerless to stop it. The dark thoughts plaguing her are starting to scare her.

Elliot's soft hand on her shoulder makes her jump, causing her to nearly fall off the cot. "Sorry," he says, "You alright?"

"Fine. What are you doing here?"

"It's Kathy's night to get up with Eli and I need a quiet place to sleep." Olivia rolls over so her back is to Elliot. She mutters a 'good night' and closes her eyes, though she knows she won't be getting any sleep. She's really just trying to hold in the tears threatening to overwhelm her at the thought of Elliot actually avoiding his family. She would give anything to have what Elliot has, no matter how much sleep it would cost her or how many years the stress would shave off her life. How can he be so selfish?

"You should go home and get some sleep in your own bed. Why are you sleeping here, anyway?"

"Goodnight, Elliot." Olivia thought she could keep her voice steady, but it comes out thick and shaky.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Elliot is by her side again, which is exactly where she doesn't want him.

"Go away Elliot. Go home."

"Liv...Come on, what's going on?" He puts his hand on her shoulder but she slaps it away violently, sitting up to look at him. Her eyes are filled with angry tears.

"You selfish bastard. Leave me the fuck alone!" Elliot is too stunned to even move. "Go!" Olivia screams before she collapses into sobs. Elliot sits down next to her on the cot and, feeling a little awkward, wraps his arms around Olivia.

When Olivia regains her composure she shoves Elliot away and curles up on the cot with her back to him. "Liv..."

"Did you know about his past?"

"What? Who's past?"

"James."

"What's going on?"

"He was abused as a child. Police said it was the worst abuse they'd seen in decades. His parents rented him out as a sex slave."

"What?! Are you serious?"

"No, Elliot, I'm joking," Olivia snaps angrily.

"Well...that doesn't make him a bad guy. I've known him for a long time and I'd never guess he went through that. I hope you're not letting it ruin your chances with him."

"No, that was fine, I could deal with that. It was the emotionally traumatized eight year old girl that really ended the relationship."

"The...what?"

"He raped a little girl, El. He's a pedophile." Olivia is beyond tears now. Her voice is hollow and she feels defeated.

"That can't be true." Elliot can't believe what he's hearing.

"I cared about him, El, even after he told me about his childhood. I wanted to let him into my life, I even wanted to miss work to be with him. I thought maybe he could help me sand off some of those jagged edges. Instead he filed them to a point and stabbed me in the back. He yanked my last chance out from under me."

"Last chance?"

"I'm done, Elliot."

"Done? Done what? What do you mean?" When Olivia is silent, Elliot starts feeling scared. "Olivia, don't talk like that. You can get through this, people get their hearts broken all the time." But Olivia has closed her eyes and is ignoring Elliot. When he realize she has no intention of speaking again, he stretches out on the cot next to hers. He ends up getting even less sleep than he would have if he'd stayed home.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

"I thought you were suspended?" Olivia hears Brian say to Elliot.

"I am, just needed a good night sleep. You're Liv's new partner?"

"Temporarily, yeah."

Elliot lowers his voice and leads Brian just outside the room, though Olivia can still hear them both clearly. "How's it going with you two?"

"If I were you I'd be worried about her. I had a partner go downhill like her once."

"What happened to him?"

"He ate his gun."

Elliot feels like he's been punched in the chest. Olivia knows she should feel sick, or maybe angry, but she feels empty. The emptiness still scares her, though, so she hangs onto that fear. "Liv would never do that."

"Maybe not, but she still needs help."

"Is it true? What she said about James?"

"Madison? Yeah, looks like he's guilty, we're just having trouble getting the smoking gun we need." Elliot sighs and rubs his hands over his face. "You should get going before Cragen sees you. Don't worry, I've got her back."

Olivia hears Elliot's footsteps retreating and Brian's slowly approaching. "Well, I hope you heard that." Without bothering to feign waking up, Olivia sits up on her cot to look at Brian. "I meant what I said. You need to get yourself help."

"I did. Lotta good that did me."

Brian shakes her head. "The whole 'woe is me' thing isn't going to help anyone, least of all yourself. Find someone to talk to, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get over this before you do something stupid, because I have zero sympathy for people who destroy their own lives."

"You make it sound so easy."

"No, it's not easy, it's pretty fucking difficult actually. Maybe eating your gun is the easy way, but it's also the coward's way, and it only causes more pain and devastation for the ones left behind. You feel lonely, I get it, but there are people here who really care about you. The sooner you realize that the sooner Elliot can go back to worrying about his family instead of worrying about you."

"Tough love," Olivia says sarcastically.

"Fine, do whatever you want. I wanna make it clear right now, though: you wanna kill yourself? It's a solo mission, because I'm not getting myself killed out there when you do something stupid."  
"You really think I'd do that? Kill myself just like that?"

"I don't what you're going to do, but this new attitude of yours doesn't exactly scream 'will to live'. At least have the decency to do your damn job and put this bastard behind bars before you go." Brian leaves the room, leaving Olivia fuming.

How dare she say those things! Olivia can't believe what Brian just said to her, and how devoid of compassion it was. Olivia's pretty sure she's not suicidal, but she's definitely self-destructive. 'At least I'm not in denial,' she muses. Even so, Brian has no right yelling at Olivia like that. Does she really think it's going to help?

Once Olivia has washed up in the bathroom and applied about three bottles of concealer to the dark circles under her eyes, she finds Brian at Elliot's desk. "We have to talk to Lucy and Sarah again."

"I agree. They're on their way in. I'll do the interview."

"No, I will." They have a sort of impromptu glaring contest that lasts so long Olivia feels like her eyes are on fire, until Brian finally gives in grudgingly.

"Does Cragen know about you two?" She asks, lowering her voice. Olivia marvels at the clenching of Brian's jaw that is so like Elliot's.

"No, and he never will."

"Sure about that?"

"You gonna tell him?" Another glaring match, but this one only lasts a few seconds.

"As long as you do your job, I've got no reason to say anything. But if you do anything stupid I'll have you out of here in no time. Got it?"

"Blackmailing me now? That's great. What part of this is supposed to be helping me?"

"I told you, I have no sympathy for people who throw away their lives. You want sympathy? You want kind words and a shoulder to cry on? Take time off, get a therapist, and show me you really want to live." She looks up at Olivia and adds quietly, "I heard what you said to Elliot last night."

"It was a rough night, that doesn't mean I want to die."

"I hope that's true."

The tension remains as they wait for Sarah and Lucy to arrive; Sarah agreed to come in with her daughter for further questioning. Olivia's not really sure what to do about the situation between her and Brian. She wants to deny what Brian said, but there is a part of her that's dying painfully and is apparently intent on dragging the rest of her down, too. Should she lie to make things less tense? There would be no point to that, because Brian is apparently more intuitive than Olivia first suspected. Really, though, the last thing Olivia needs is to be at odds with her partner.

When Sarah and Lucy arrive at the precinct, Olivia and Brian have decided to split up. Olivia is going to interview Lucy and Brian is going to interview Sarah. They'll compare notes after the interviews and hopefully they'll have some actual evidence. Afterwards, they'll decide whether or not they should bring in Huang to interview Lucy further and assess her mental status. If she really is in love with her attacker, it's going to take more than a compassionate cop to get information out of her.

"Hi, Lucy. Why don't you come with me? Your mom's gonna go talk to my partner." Lucy seems reluctant to leave her mother, and Sarah seems even more nervous, but they both follow the detectives without complaint. Olivia takes Lucy to a quiet interview room and they both sit down at the table.

"I don't want to talk to you," Lucy says, lowing her eyes.

"What are you afraid of, Lucy?"

There's such a long pause that Olivia almost repeats the question, but just before she does Lucy says, "him," her voice barely a whisper.

"What does he do to you?" Lucy shakes her head and Olivia nods. "Okay, we don't have to talk about that right now. Tell me what you're afraid he'll do. Are you afraid he'll hurt you?"

After another long pause, Lucy gives a tiny nod.

"I know it's hard for you to believe, but I can protect you from him. But I can't protect you if I don't know who he is, or what he's doing to you." A few tears manage to escape Lucy's shining eyes; she doesn't bother wiping them away. She remains silent. "Lucy, I want to help you. My partner and I both want to help you."

Again Lucy shakes her head violently. The bandana she has tied on her head slips and she readjusts is. It's obvious that she has no hair, from her cancer treatments, but Olivia can't help wondering about her. If what James said is true, and Lucy really is in remission, shouldn't her hair be growing back by now? Her head still looks completely smooth. It's probably insignificant, but Olivia plans to look into it. For now, she tries to focus on the interview. "He won't love me anymore."

"Lucy, if he's hurting you, he doesn't love you." Lucy looks up at her with pained shock and open her mouth to say something, but quickly closes it and looks away. "Lucy, do you love him?"

"I don't want to talk to you anymore."

"Lucy, you're just a kid, and he's an adult. I know it must be hard for you right now, you're probably feeling lonely, but..."

"You don't understand!" Lucy screams, and this is the last thing she says. No matter how hard Olivia tries, she can't get Lucy to say anymore. She leaves the interview room to see Brian waiting for her. "How'd the interview go?" She asks.

"Sarah's drunk."

"What?" This is a shock to Olivia. "Are you sure?"

"I'll be pretty shocked if she isn't. I can't smell anything, though, that's what gets me."

"She's been drinking vodka, it doesn't smell."

"I wouldn't know."

"Is that another shot at me?"

"Relax, Olivia, I didn't mean anything by it. Focus?"

"Keep her talking. I'm gonna try talking to Lucy again." Brian nods and both detectives go back into their interview rooms.

"Can I go home now?"

"Do you and your mom get along?" Lucy lowers her eyes and prepares to give Olivia the silent treatment again. Olivia can't believe she didn't see this sooner. "I know what it's like, Lucy. Taking care of your mom when she's supposed to take care of you." Lucy glances at her. Olivia takes it as a good sign. "Can't invite friends over because you're afraid of what she might do, what they might think."

"No one understands."

"I do, Lucy. I understand better than anyone."

Lucy looks up at her, eyes shining again. "Was your mom like that too?"

"Yeah, she was. And I hated her for it. But it's not easy to hate your mom, is it? You can't stop loving her no matter how much you want to." Lucy nods and tears roll down her cheeks, puffed up by the medication she took for her cancer treatments. Now is when the interview gets tricky: Olivia has to decide whether or not to take a chance. She has a hunch, but if she's wrong she might ruin the progress she's made. If she's right, though, it might go a long way towards breaking down the wall Lucy has put up. "You mom was mad when you first got sick, right?"

"She...she said it was my fault. But she didn't mean it; she was drinking when she said it."

Olivia nods understandingly. "But then she decided it might not be such a bad thing. She started telling everyone you were sick to get sympathy." Lucy lowers her eyes, but Olivia is sure her hunch is right now. "Lucy...why hasn't your hair started growing back yet?"

Now Lucy is crying and Olivia moves her chair next to the little girl so she can wrap her arms around her as she cries. "She makes me shave it. I was so excited about my hair growing back but she said I wouldn't be special anymore if it did. I don't want to be special!"

"Lucy, if you talk to me, I can help you. I promise."


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

"Well?" Brian asks when Olivia emerges from the interview room.

Olivia shakes her head sadly. "She won't give him up, she won't tell me anything about him. All she keeps saying is he's going to be mad at her and he won't love her anymore. We're gonna need family services down here, though."

"Mom's abusing her?"

"Not only is she an alcoholic, but she's forcing Lucy to shave her head."

"What? Why?"

"Now that she's in remission her hair has started growing back. Once that happens she won't look like a cancer patient anymore."

"And mom won't get sympathy for her sick child." Brian shakes her head in disgust. Olivia sighs and goes to her desk to call Huang – she doesn't want to get child services involved just yet. She certainly doesn't plan on letting Lucy go home with Sarah, though.

By the time Huang shows up, Sarah is demanding to take Lucy home, but Brian and Olivia are practically a force field blocking her path. Eventually she gives in when she realizes Lucy is being interviewed again, but neither of the detectives take their eyes off her, just in case. Luckily the interview doesn't take very long.

"Did she say anything about the rape?" Brian asks.

"No, she shut down when I tried to talk to her about it. But her mother is definitely unstable. You need to call child services. I want to talk to Sarah in the meantime."

"I don't know how much good that'll do, she's intoxicated."

"She's not falling down or acting obnoxious, she probably just had enough to take the edge off until she can binge at home. Keep her talking as long as you can." Huang nods and Olivia picks up the phone to call child services. They are busy, as Olivia expected, and will probably take hours to arrive.

"Go home, or at least get some sleep in the crib. I'll take care of Lucy." It sounds like a generous offer, but Olivia can hear the note of hostility in it that others might miss. Luckily for Brian she doesn't have the energy to argue, so she leave the precinct. Normally she would just curl up on a cot in the crib, but right now she wants some fresh air and a shower, so she heads home.

What she finds outside of her building makes her wish she had stayed at the precinct. "Olivia! Liv, wait, let me talk to you."

"You shouldn't be here, James. I can't talk to you about an open investigation."

"Liv, you've gotta believe me, I swear I didn't hurt Lucy. I'm the closest thing she has to a parent! She would never say those things about me!"

"You're right, she didn't say anything about you, she was too terrified of what you might do to her if she talked. So you can go home and sleep soundly knowing she didn't rat you out."

"Rat me out? I didn't do anything!"

"Then why are you so desperate to convince me? If you're really innocent you've got nothing to worry about."

"Because I love you, Olivia. I need you to trust me."

"I did trust you, James, and look where it got me. I feel like a complete idiot."

"But I didn't do anything! Sarah is psychotic!"

"Someone raped Lucy, and if it wasn't you, who was it?" At this James falters. "Exactly." Olivia tries to move past him, but he grabs her arm to stop her.

"Just because I don't have an alternate theory doesn't mean I hurt her."

"Get your hand off me before I arrest you." James releases his grip slowly, staring sadly into Olivia's eyes. She quickly climbs up the stairs and slips inside her building without looking back.

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"Foster care is better than being at home with Sarah," Brian tells Olivia. Child services hadn't taken as long as Olivia expected.

"Maybe, but she's not gonna get the help she needs in the system."

"What is it you want? She's away from her mother."

"It's just..." Olivia sighs. "I've seen what happens to kids in the system. We see it all the time here. Lucy shouldn't have to go through that."

"And living with Sarah is so much better? Having to clean up her vomit? Cowering in her room in the hopes he mom won't throw a bottle at her? Being forced to shave her head to gain sympathy when all she wants to do at this age is fit in?"

"She's not going to fit in anywhere when she has to live out of a trash bag."

"I get it, Olivia, but it's a lose-lose situation. What else are we supposed to do? We can't even get her justice because she's too messed up to talk to us."

"We're not getting anything from James. We have to talk to Lucy again."

"What makes you think she'll actually tell us anything?"

"She's either afraid of James, trying to protect him, or both. She doesn't know we're onto him, though. Maybe if she sees what we already know, she'll give in."

"How do you plan on doing that?"

"We bring them both down here."

Brian looks up at the clock. It's getting late. "Looks like it'll have to wait until tomorrow. Come on." Brian picks up her coat and heads for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"The pub. You coming?"


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

"Hello." Olivia is so startled she knocks her glass over, spilling her beer. "Looks like you've had one too many."

"Brittany, you startled me." Brittany sits down on the stool next to Olivia.

"I apologize, but I could hardly ignore such a bizarre sight."

"Bizarre?" Brian says, confused.

"Olivia actually socializing outside of work." Brittany smiles and Brian laughs. Olivia chooses to ignore the comment. "Please tell me you met her outside of work."

"She's my partner, actually," Brian replies. "And you are...?"

"Oh, excuse me. I'm Brittany, Olivia's...have we decided on a title?"

"She's my therapist," Olivia supplies grudgingly.

"Really? Well she's doing a fantastic job," Brian says sarcastically, taking a sip of her cocktail.

Brittany laughs. "She's definitely one of my more difficult clients, but she's made great strides."

"Was she slitting her wrists before you met her?"

"You know, if I really was suicidal you would not be helping."

"I find stubbornness is a surprising motivator. Not to mention the prospect of saying 'I told you so'."

"Oh, so this is your way of saving me? Wonderful."

"You're not really suicidal, are you?" Brittany asks, the tiniest hint of concern in her eyes that she managed to keep from her voice.

Olivia lets out a growl of frustration. "One depressed night and an apathetic slip of the tongue and no one will let it go! I am not suicidal!" Several people in the bar are now staring and Olivia quickly lowers her head.

"Well I'm thrilled to hear that, though I can't help being concerned about your 'slip of the tongue'. You clearly have people in your life who care very much about you, and making them worry like this...well, it's unfair. As for Brian, I wouldn't normally approve of the tough love approach in this case, but it's certainly interesting. Playing on someone's need to prove you wrong while simultaneously showing caring and concern..." Brittany shakes her head.

"We'll talk book deals later," Brian jokes, finishing off her beer. Brittany laughs.

"Glad to see you two hitting it off so well. I'm gonna call a cab..." Olivia stands up to leave but Brittany and Brian both grab her arm, pulling her back onto her seat.

"Stay. When was the last time you had a night out?" Olivia knows Brian doesn't mean to be cruel, so she shrugs it off, but Brian realizes her mistake. "Oh, Olivia...I'm sorry." Olivia went out on a regular basis, actually. Or at least she had until James became the prime suspect in a rape case.

"Forget it. But really, do you think this is actually helping me? I finally manage to get out of my apartment for a drink with someone other than a co-worker, and she's my therapist. My life just gets more pathetic by the second."

"I resent that," Brittany says with a smile.

"At least you figured this guy out before you got really involved. What if you got married and had kids and he molested them? You'd feel a whole lot worse than you do now."

Olivia mumbled something to low for either of them to hear. When Brian asked her to repeat herself, she lifted her tear-filled eyes and Brian felt her heart sink. "At least I'd have a family. At least I'd have those years of happiness. At least...at least I wouldn't be so lonely." Her last words were nearly choked off by the sobs she was trying to stifle.

"Come on, I think it's time we get you home," Brittany says. She and Brian guide Olivia out of the bar and into Brian's car, where Olivia allows herself to give into her tears.

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Olivia isn't surprised that her dreams have returned, and she's not surprised to wake up in the middle of the night, tangled in sheets, drenched in cold sweat and trembling as she tries to shake off the memory of the dream. What surprises her in the dream itself. She was not running down hallways, searching frantically for a light switch, her orange jumpsuit practically lighting the way for her unseen pursuer. This time was with James on her couch, feeling his hands in her back and in her hair, his lips against hers, their hot breath creating a smouldering flame of passion. He lowered her gently onto her back and hovered over her, smiling. But instead of feeling his body on top of her and his lips against hers, the world went dark and she suddenly couldn't pull air into her lungs. She tried to free herself, to squirm free of his suffocating hands, but he only held her tighter. She awoke gasping for air and, when she found it, she collapsed into sobs.

Brian finds Olivia on the floor, her sobs nearly suffocating her. She tries to soothe Olivia, but she has no idea what to do or say and finds herself silently wishing she had accepted Brittany's offer to stay. When she is reasonably convinced Olivia won't actually suffocate, she tells Olivia she'll be right back and goes into the kitchen to make some tea. She silently apologizes as she grinds up the sleeping pills Brittany had given her and stirs the powder into the drink, knowing Olivia will never get back to sleep otherwise and hoping Olivia will actually accept the tea. She's glad Olivia only had half a beer at the bar.

When she returns with the tea Olivia is lying amongst the tangled sheets, still sobbing quietly. Brian helps her sit up and sends up a silently thanks you to the power that be when Olivia starts sipping the tea. It must taste unusually bitter, but Brian hopes Olivia will just assume it's a lack of sugar, though she put in as much as she dared. Fortunately Olivia doesn't seem to notice the taste at all and quickly drains the cup, thankful more for the warmth than the actual drink.

"I'm sorry. You really don't have to do this."

"You're right, I don't." Olivia seems to expect more, but Brian says nothing, and finally Olivia nods. When Olivia yawns, Brian helps her untangle herself so she can lie back down on the couch. Olivia mumbles something that Brian expects is 'thank you', but she's out before Brian can say anything.

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"Morning. Thank goodness we're off today or we'd be awfully late by now." Olivia glances up at the clock. It's almost two in the afternoon.

"You drugged me," Olivia says, her voice still thick with sleep. Brian considers denying it, but there's no point, so she nods. "Thanks," Olivia says, hopping up onto the counter, and Brian sighs with relief.

"Well I'm glad you're not mad. But just in case you are, it was Brittany's idea." Olivia manages a wry smile.

"You really didn't need to do this."

"Do what? I needed a place to crash. And I've had surprisingly few opportunities to drug someone without being arrested, so this was fun." She smiles, but Olivia doesn't return it this time.

"I mean it..."

"So do I," Brian interrupts. "You don't deserve to be alone."

"We have to get to the station!" Olivia says before Brian can continue, suddenly realizing what time it is and remembering what happened the day before.

"I told the captain we wouldn't be in until later afternoon. Munch is setting everything up with Lucy for us. You sure you're up to it?" Olivia glared at Brian, who just shrugged and went back to the book she had been reading.

Olivia sighs and, after a long pause, says, "Thanks, Brian."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

"Are they here?" Olivia asks as she enters the squad room.

"Nice of you to join us," Munch says. "James is in the interrogation room. Lucy's with her mom in the interview room. I wasn't sure what you wanted me to do with them."

"That's fine. Thanks, Munch."

"How do you wanna handle this?" Brian ask when they were out of earshot of the others.

"You start questioning James. Rattle his cage. I'll bring Lucy in and see if I can get a reaction out of her. I don't feel good about manipulating her like this, but if she won't give us James, we have to make her believe we can get him anyway. Just make sure you lay it on thick with him." Brian nodded and headed into the interrogation room while Olivia went to talk to Lucy and Sarah.

"Haven't you traumatized her enough? She's told you everything. Just leave her alone!" Milking the situation for sympathy. Olivia's surprised Sarah waited this long to play the sympathy card. Considering her breath reeks of booze, she's probably feeling a little down and figures flashing Lucy's frowning face will make her feel a little better.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I really need to talk to you again," Olivia says, addressing Lucy directly.

"I don't have anything else to say," Lucy says.

"I know, but I have something to show you. Will you come with me?" After a short battle of wills with her mother, Lucy nods and follows Olivia out of the room. They go into the observation room next to the interrogation room. The blinds are closed and the speaker is off, but Olivia knows Brian is grilling James on the other side of the glass.

"It's dark in here," Lucy says as Olivia closes the door.

"I want to talk to you about James," Olivia says, ignoring her comment. She instantly freezes and turns away from Olivia.

Without saying anything more or waiting for Lucy to speak, Olivia opens the blinds and turns on the speaker. At the sound of James's voice, Lucy turns to stare into the room, horrified.

"I didn't do anything! How many times do I have to tell you that? I would never hurt Lucy!"

"Listen to this. Every word that comes out of your mouth is another filthy lie. We have you cornered and now you're squirming. But we have you, James, and we're gonna nail your ass to the wall."

Olivia turns off the speakers before hearing James's reply, but Lucy is oblivious to the change. She continues to stare at James through the glass, tears welling in her eyes. "He can't hurt you anymore, Lucy. We can put him away, but only if you tell us what happened."

"No! No, no, no, you're wrong! James!" Lucy pounds her fists against the glass. Olivia manages to grab her away, but not before James and Brian look up. Brian excuses herself and slips into the observation room, where Lucy is trying to free herself from Olivia, whose hands are curled gently but firmly around Lucy's tiny wrists.

"Let me go! James!" Lucy is screaming so loud Brian is sure James must be able to hear it. Her fears are confirmed when James opens the door to the observation room. Lucy quickly wrenches free from Olivia and throws herself and James, wrapping her arms around him.

James has so many emotions swirling through him he doesn't know where to begin. He's thrilled to see Lucy, but she's sobbing and his heart aches for her. He wants to hurt whoever made her cry, wants to protect her, but he is shocked to find Olivia standing there, staring at him. He should have expected that, knowing Brian is her partner. And in a way he did expect to see her, but not like this. Her gaze is boring into him, the fury, the betrayal...the _hatred_. It's enough to make him want to flee from the room, but Lucy is clinging to him, and he knows what both detectives must be thinking.

"Happy now?" Brian says.

Reluctantly James pries Lucy away from him. She looks up at him, hurt, but he turns away. He doesn't want to hurt her that way, but he has to keep his distance. This girl, no matter how much he cares for her, no matter how indirectly, has ruined his life. And James suspects she's ruined Olivia's, too. Without a word, James goes back into the interrogation room, where he sits with his back to the glass and his head on the table.

"No! James!"

"Lucy! Lucy, why are you protecting him?" Brian asks.

"Because he didn't do anything wrong!"

"He made you think he loved you. That's not right."

"But he does love me!"

"But he's hurting you," Olivia says, crouching down to meet Lucy's eyes. What she finds there isn't what she expected, though. Shock and confusion.

"James? You..." She shakes her head. "James would never hurt me."

Olivia glances up at Brian and steps back. Brian takes her place in front of Lucy. "If James didn't hurt you, who did?" Lucy shakes her head again and tears began to form. "James is in a lot of trouble right now. If you don't tell us who's really hurting you, we can't help you or James."

Lucy glances up at Olivia, but she now has her back to the room. "He'll hate me," she says pleadingly.

"James could never hate you."

"He said James wouldn't love me anymore if I told anyone."

"James will love you for being so brave."

Lucy looks back at James, the lowers her gaze to the floor. "His name is Sean. He said he's James's friend."

"Thank you, Lucy. We're gonna help you now, and I promise he'll never hurt you again."

"Can I talk to James?"

"In a little while."

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"Who's Sean?" James looks up to see Olivia standing at the door, her expression unreadable.

"Sean? He...he's my brother. I haven't seen him in years. How'd you find out about him?"

"Lucy told us."

"Lucy...? Oh no..."

"He's been abusing her. He told her you wouldn't love her anymore if she told anyone."

James leaned back in his chair, his relief barely felt under the wave of misery that washed over him. He knew Sean had problems. He expected to get a call someday saying he had died of an overdose in an alley somewhere. But this? James had never expected this. "He couldn't get over it."

"The abuse," Olivia says, closing the door.

James nods. "He's older than me. He had to deal with it a lot longer than I did. I wanted to help him, but by the time I got my own shit together he was too far gone. I tried everything but I couldn't get through to him." Olivia nods and they are both silent for several minutes. Finally James looks up at her. "What now?"

"We find Sean and he goes to jail."

"That...that's not really what I meant."

"Well that's all I can give you." She doesn't wait to see his expression before leaving.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

**You know, I really don't thank you guys enough for all your great reviews. I really look forward to all of them and I really appreciate them. Thanks so much for taking the time to review my stories. I'm glad you're enjoying this story and hopefully I can continue doing a good job. Enjoy!**

Olivia curses under her breath when she arrives at her apartment building. Sitting on the front steps is the last person she wants to see right now. "Liv, we need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about, James. You're innocent. I'm sorry. What more do you want me to say?"

"We can't just walk away without saying anything."

"Fine, say what you need to say." James crosses his arms and Olivia mirrors his action impatiently.

"You told me you trusted me."

"It's kinda hard to trust you when I have a sexually abused little girl sitting in front of me."

"She never said it was me. She told you the exact opposite, actually. Her mother made that accusation and she only made it because she's a pathetic drunk milking her daughter's cancer for sympathy. You should have taken one whiff of her breath and known she was just pointing the finger at the most convenient suspect. You should have trusted me, Liv."

"Are you done?" James looks surprised and confused. "What do you want me to say, James? I fucked up. Happy?" James opens his mouth to say something, then realizes he has no idea what to say and closes it again. "Just leave me alone."

"That's not what I want. I want you to trust me."

"I did, and I got hurt."

"But I didn't do anything to hurt you."

"And that's what makes it even worse. I couldn't get over it. I thought I could, but I couldn't. I couldn't let myself believe you were innocent. I couldn't risk being wrong about you, making that mistake, and I ended up making an even bigger one. It's not even about trusting you anymore. I don't trust myself enough to get over this. What if something like this happens again? What if some other girl's mom find out about your past and takes it too far?"

"You won't make that mistake again."

"But how do I know? So you didn't hurt Lucy, so what? I was an idiot to think I could actually trust you."

"You can..."

"No, you don't get it. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, I'll always have that doubt. I can't do this, James. I can't get hurt again, not like that. I feel like a fool." James steps towards her, his hands going to hers but she pushes him away.

"Don't do this, Liv. Every relationship is a risk."

"Fine, let's just say we do fix this. Let's say we go on dating, and then get married. I want children, James, but how the hell am I supposed to trust you not to hurt them?"

"I can't believe you think I would do that."

"That's just it, James. There's part of me that's screaming at me to stop being such an idiot, that I shouldn't let this ruin my life. But there's another part of me that just can't get over it, can't trust you. And as long as that part exists, this can't work."

James looks crushed and Olivia has to look away. It breaks her heart to see him like this, to know that this must be hurting him just as much as it's hurting her. After all, he's being unjustly accused of something he didn't actually do. Olivia knows she should realize this, should accept his innocence and move on. And if his past had never happened, if he had had a normal childhood, she would be able to. But she had trouble trusting him before Sarah's accusations, and now she knows she'll never stop questioning him. She can't put him through that, and she can't put herself through that. She doesn't want to hurt him, but he'll only get hurt more in the future if they stay together.

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"You can't have a relationship without trust, right?"

"You know, this really isn't fair. Disguising our session as an evening out."

"Worried you won't get paid?" Brian says, sipping her drink.

"I help a lot of other people, and I can't do that without..."

"Quit it you two. Relax, Brittany, I'll pay you for tonight. But you're buying your own drinks."

"That's fair," Brittany says, smiling. "You're right, you can't have a relationship without trust. By why is it so hard for you to trust him? He's innocent, isn't he?"

"I should never have doubted him in the first place. If I really trusted him I wouldn't have assumed he was guilty. I wasn't just worried he might be guilty, I was so convinced he was guilty that I was trying to get Lucy to confess what I thought I knew rather than getting to the real rapist."

"It's your job to help rape victims, Olivia. You can't blame yourself for your vision being clouded by Sarah's accusations," Brian assures her.

"She's a drunk! I should have known right then that something was off. She researched his background, that should have been a huge red flag."

"You were afraid of being wrong. It's one thing to be wrong about your compatibility someone. It's another thing entirely to stand behind a rapist only to discover he's guilty. I'm sure you wanted to believe in his innocence, but if you had stood behind him and been wrong, you never would have recovered. You knew that and you did what you felt you had to do to protect yourself. No one blames you for that."

Olivia sighs and leans back against the wall, stretching her legs out on the seat. The booth is quiet and comfortable, but Olivia misses her favourite restaurant. She hasn't been able to step foot inside since the whole mess with James started. Brian and Brittany are sitting across from her, both sipping wine. Olivia is on her third screwdriver and she's pretty sure she needs to stop drinking, but she hasn't indulged in a while and the circumstances warrant more than a few coolers.

"If his childhood had been different," Brian asks, "would you be able to trust him now?"

"I don't know."

"You wouldn't have acted any differently, though," Brittany says, and both Olivia and Brian look at her. "Well, it's true. Whether or not he had that past, no matter how much you trusted him beforehand, that job has left its mark on you. You still would have protected yourself, still been unable to stand behind him. And it really doesn't matter whether or not changing his past would change your opinion now because you can't change his past."

"I'm just saying, you shouldn't let his past get in the way of you both being happy."

"You're probably right, I shouldn't let it get in my way. But I can tell myself that all I want, it won't change anything. He deserves to be with someone who can trust him."

"And you deserve to be with the man you love. You can't just give up," Brian urges.

"You say that like I have a choice. I'm not giving up, I'm...accepting what I can't change."

Brittany shakes her head. "Maybe you should put more effort into changing it."


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

"I hear your partner's coming back tomorrow."

"Yeah. Where are you going next?"

"Homicide. I considered narcotics, but I'm tired of that life. What about you? Where were you before you came here?"

"I've been working SVU since I got my badge."

"You've never transferred out?"

"I did a stint in computer crimes for a while after a falling out with Elliot, but it didn't take me long to come back. Did some undercover work in Oregon with the feds a few years ago, but it was pretty much a waste of my time. It was nice getting away for a while, though."

"So you're staying here? Even after everything that happened?"

"Transferring out isn't gonna change any of that," Olivia says, wishing Brian would just let it go. She wants more than anything to just forget what happened.

"Sean Madison was arrested."

"I know."

"You're not happy?"

"Why should I be?" Olivia rounds on Brian, the chains around her fury suddenly crumbling. "Tell me what I have to be happy about. That the first man to come along in years who doesn't care what I do for a living, who's actually willing to deal with my crazy schedule and jaded personality, ends up getting screwed by my job more than any other man I've dated? Or maybe that just when I think I can trust him, just when I feel ready to admit to myself that I'm head over heels in love with him, this whole shit fest happens and I wind up crashing hard enough to give me a concussion because just when I decided to jump into his arms, he was snatched away. Sorry, I forget, what part of that am I supposed to be happy about?" Olivia is dimly aware that her voice is not only steadily rising, but also becoming more shaky and thick with the tears that are threatening to overwhelm her. She's also aware of every eye in the room on her. Before Brian can recover from her shock, Olivia races into the bathroom and, after a quick sweep to ensure that it's empty, locks the door.

Still shaking, she sinks to the floor. She crosses her arms over her knees and rests her head on them, not caring the her tears are soaking through the material. When she hears a knock at the door, she ignores it. Whoever is on the other side of the door can easily hear her sobs through the thin door and she has no interest in consoling words. No amount of consoling is going to make her feel any better, no matter who it comes from.

"Liv? Please open the door."

Olivia lifts her head. It's the last voice she expects to hear and the last one she wants to hear. "Go away," she says, her voice still shaking.

"Do you really want to do this here with all your coworkers around? At least come outside for some fresh air."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"You don't have to."

Olivia is silent for several minutes. When she doesn't hear retreating footsteps, she sighs and gets to her feet. Unlocking the door, she opens it and James falls onto her, nearly knocking both of them over. "You were leaning against the door that you expected me to open. Genius."

"Well I didn't expect you to whip it open. I figured I'd hear the lock click and still have a good five minutes to get out of the way before you decided to open the door," James says, steadying himself.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Come on, let's go outside."

Olivia considers saying no for the sake of being stubborn, but she really doesn't want to start fighting in the precinct, so she gives in and follows James outside. They walk a block in silence before Olivia finally steps in front of him. "What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you."

"Then talk."

"Why are you being so hostile? What the hell did I ever do to you?"

"I told you I was done with this, with us, and you just show up at my work. I think I have a right to be pissed."

"You were in the middle of a breakdown," he says, holding Olivia's arm up by her sleeve, which is still damp.

"I can get through my breakdowns just fine without you," she says, snatching her arm out of his grasp.

"I don't get it." James steps closer, sliding his hands from her shoulders down to hold her hands. He lifts them slowly to his lips and kisses them softly. "I love you, Olivia. I know what this job has done to you and I know how hard it is for you to trust me right now, but I don't want this to end."

"I can't trust you."

"I was wrong before, whining about lack of trust, like it was something I automatically deserved. But I understand now that I need to be patient. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes." He kisses her hands again, closing his eyes.

"You deserve better." Olivia's voice is barely above a whisper because she knew it would shatter the minute she tried to speak any louder. James looks up, startled by the depth of the grief he can hear in her voice. She slides her hands out of his and headed back to the precinct. James didn't follow.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

"Maybe you should just move in here." Olivia opens here eyes, shaking off her drowsiness. The crib is still dark, but she hopes it's morning because she's tired of lying on the cot, unable to silence her racing thoughts long enough to fall asleep.

"I can't sleep so I might as well stay here."

"Brian filled me in on the case. How're you doing?"

"Perfect," Olivia mutters sarcastically.

"Well, at least everything worked out. I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"Worked out?"

Elliot shrugs. "He's innocent, right?"

"El..." Olivia shakes her head and buries her face in her hands. He doesn't understand and she doesn't feel like enlightening him.

"What's wrong? He is innocent, isn't he? Brian said..."

"He's innocent," Olivia says, voice muffled by her hands.

Elliot sighs and sits down on the cot next to hers so they are facing each other. Olivia lets her hand fall to her knees and looks at Elliot, her eyes heavy with both physical and emotional exhaustion. "Liv, you can't keep doing this to yourself. Tossing and turning on a lousy cot, letting ever little thing get to you. What happened with you and James? I thought things were going great."

"They were," she says, lowering her gaze.

"Then what happened?"

"It doesn't matter that he was innocent. I didn't believe him."

"And what, he's holding that against you? That hardly sounds like something he'd do, especially knowing what this job is like."

Olivia shakes her head. "He's not..." she sighs. "He's not holding it against me, El, I am."

Elliot sighs and runs his hands through his short hair. "Liv...Why are you doing this?"

"I told him I trusted him, El. He wanted so badly for me to trust him, but I wasn't ready for that. But I...I wanted to trust him. I couldn't imagine losing him, so I told him I trusted him. I even convinced myself it was true. But the minute Sarah accused him of molesting her daughter...It didn't even matter that she was a drunk, or that she was abusing her daughter herself. All I could think about was that I might be wrong. That I opened myself up to him and I was wrong."

"But you weren't."

"It doesn't even matter. I can never trust him."

"Why? He didn't do anything!"

"No, you don't understand. _I_ can never trust him. It's not about him, or what he did or didn't do, it's about me."

"Yeah, it is." Elliot stands up to leave but Olivia stands and grabs his arm before he can take a step.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're being an idiot, and this whole trust crap is just an excuse. You don't want to risk getting hurt. You were lucky enough to find a man with a history of abuse..."

"Lucky?!"

"Yes, lucky, because it's the perfect excuse to run away. You're not afraid he's going to molest one of his patients, you're afraid he's going to get sick of your lifestyle just like every other guy and give up on you. You can't handle being rejected again so you're running away before it can happen, and you've got the perfect excuse."

Olivia's voice is so low Elliot can't even make out her words, but blazing in her eyes is a very clear 'Fuck you'. She raises her voice enough for him to hear her say, "You think I'm a coward."

"Yeah, I do."

"You son of a bitch. You don't get it, do you?"

"I do get it. You're afraid of getting hurt."

"I'm not some workaholic who got so wrapped up in her career she didn't notice the death of her social life. I've been on date after date, one half-hearted or one-sided relationship after another because men are either disgusted by my job, sickeningly fascinated by it or just plain sick of me cancelling dates because some psycho kidnapped a little girl. It's been over a decade since I was in a relationship long enough to get my heart broken, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the sting of every one of those failed relationships. And just when I think maybe a conventional family isn't for me, but maybe I can still have some kind of meaning in my life, something to live for, the city tells me they'd rather let a child bounce around from one foster home to another than let me care for them. So I accept that, I try to throw myself into my work and what happens? I get sexually assaulted and that's just one more heartache I have to deal with, one more thing to add to a long list of reasons why I can't sleep. So don't you fucking call me a coward, don't you dare. If _anyone_ has a right to shield themselves from any further heartache it's me, because if one more crack appears in my heart it's gonna turn to dust." Tears are streaming down Olivia's cheeks now, burning tracks in her skin. Elliot can only stare, dumbfounded, at his partner, a woman with incredible strength reduced to nothing more than a shell filled with a sorrow he could never imagine.

"You need a vacation." Olivia just stares at Elliot, unable to comprehend the statement that seems completely out of context. When it finally sinks in, she laughs, an unexpected sound that spreads a slow smile over Elliot's face.

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"Where are you going?"

James drops the suitcase he is holding but manages to jump out of the way before it crushes his foot. He sighs, looking down at the suitcase almost sadly. "Every few years I like to get away, go somewhere peaceful to clear my head. My last getaway was barely two years ago but I figure this is a good time to...clear my head."

"My partner thinks I should do the same." James just nods and lifts the suitcase up again to put in his trunk. "You didn't really answer my question, though."

"I'm going to Port Elizabeth to meet up with some old friends. They run a wildlife reserve not far from the beach and I'm going to help them out."

"Port Elizabeth?"

"It's in South Africa."

"How long are you gonna be gone?"

James manages to shove the last suitcase into the trunk and slams it shut, probably harder than he needs to. "Does it matter?"

"It does to me."

"Why? Because you're gonna miss me? You don't get to fuck with my life and then cry when I leave; it doesn't work that way Olivia."

"I wasn't fucking with your life."

"Yeah, you're right, you were a saint. You go out with me, let me in just enough to make me think you care, stick around even after you hear about my past, something few women ever get past, and then, just when I start to fall for you, just when I start to think you're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, you run away."

"I didn't run..."

"Don't. Don't make excuses, don't whine about not trusting me, I don't care anymore. You reeled me in and when you decided you didn't want me anymore, you beat me over the head with a rock a few times before tossing me away. So don't tell me you care about me, don't tell me you're sorry, because it's all bullshit. You've been through a lot, I get that. You have trust issues, I told you I was willing to deal with that, willing to wait. You're not afraid I'll actually hurt a child, that's just a perfect excuse for you to run away."

"Am I really that obvious?" Olivia mutters, hearing Elliot's words again.

"What?" James says, not hearing Olivia's words.

"Forget it." Olivia shakes her head and starts to walk away. James, who was trying to shove another suitcase into his backseat, looks up to say something and realizes she is heading down the street. He closes the door and runs to catch up to her.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"Where the hell do you think I'm going? You want me to stand here pining for you? I'm not the kind of person who lets pride get in my way, but I'm not going to beg you to stay with me. If you want to leave, just go, so I can forget about you." James considers saying something, then shakes his head and heads back to his car. Olivia, heart aching painfully in her chest, starts walking slowly home.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

"Vacation? She didn't say anything about a vacation to me."

"She didn't tell me, either, but I guess I should be glad she took my advice." Elliot shrugs.

"Well I wish she'd warned me so I wouldn't get blindsided like this."

"You didn't have to stay on as my partner, you could have transferred out. What's really bugging you?"

Brian sighs and leans back in her chair. She stares at Elliot for a minute, eyes narrowed as if assessing his worthiness, then gives in. "She told me what you said. And what she said. She said she was going to talk to James."

"That's great."

"You're skills as a detective leave much to be desired." Elliot raises his eyebrows. "There are only two reasons for her to take a vacation now. Either James welcomed her back with open arms and they flew off to the Caribbean together, which I doubt, or she's off wallowing in self pity because he rejected her. And considering what she's been through lately, the last thing she needs is more free time to wallow."

"What makes you so sure he rejected her?"

"After what she did, would you really welcome her back into your life?"

"Yes." Brian raises an eyebrow. "I don't mean...If it were me in James's position, I would do anything I could to be with the person I care about. I know what he's been through and his life is almost as empty as Olivia's. They deserve to be happy."

"Sure, they _deserve_ to be happy, but that doesn't mean they can be. Men are idiots, and James is no exception. I can understand he's hurting, but so is Olivia. How hard is it to figure that out? They're perfect for each other and one wild accusation ruined it." Brian and Elliot both shake their heads.

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"Hello, James."

James looks up at the woman walking towards him. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm thinking about taking a vacation. Or maybe I just like watching the planes take off. It doesn't really matter, it doesn't change what I have to say." Brittany sits down next to him and he can't help noticing how short she is. He's always known this, and yet he's amazed by it every time he sees her. Not because she's particularly short - he's seen plenty of women even smaller than her - but what's really amazing is how perfectly proportioned she is, so that unless you're standing right next to her you'd think she was perfectly average height.

"And, uh...what do you have to say?"

"You're an idiot."

James smiles slowly. "You came to tell me I'm an idiot?"

"In a nutshell, yes." She smiles and his quickly fades.

"Why are you here? Is this part of Olivia's therapy?"

"Well this hardly qualifies as therapy. I'm here as Olivia's friend. You still have your luggage." This last sentence doesn't seem to fit with anything Brittany said, and James simply stares, confused. "You're sitting on an uncomfortable bench at the airport, but you haven't even checked in your luggage. What are you waiting for?"

"There was a long line."

Brittany exaggerates leaning forward to look out into the airport. "There's no line now. You can check your bags now." When James doesn't move, Brittany smiles. "You do realize they won't let you on the plane without checking your luggage, right? Have you even bought a ticket?" James continues to stare at her, his frown deepening. "You don't want to leave."

"What do you want?"

"Who are you fooling? We both know you're not getting on that plane. And we both know why, though it appears you're still struggling to accept your own reasoning. Perhaps you're simply waiting here until you think of an excuse in case you run into her. I have a solution to your problem."

"What is it?"

"Go home, unpack, and then go find her."

"Aren't you sort of biased?"

"Maybe, but so are you."

"What's the point? Yeah, you're right, I don't want to leave, but that doesn't mean I want to go back to her, either. I never realized what a potential disaster this whole thing was."

"And that's why you should be glad it blew up when it did." James looks at her questioningly. "Think about it. Olivia said she trusted you, and I'm sure she really wanted to; maybe she even believed it was true. But we both know she never _really_ trusted you. She couldn't, she needed proof, and she needed to test you. It may seem to you like being accused ruined your relationship, but you're wrong. It _saved_ your relationship. Her devotion to you was tested under the most rigorous conditions and, yes, she got scared, but she came back to you. That's what counts. She saw her worst fears coming true before her eyes and she still came back. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"She told me she can't trust me. That means a lot to me."

"She was scared. Her life is even more screwed up than yours. You of all people should be sympathetic to her fears. If you leave now, you're ruining the best thing that's ever happened to you. You're never going to find someone like her again, and she's never going to find anyone else like you. You're not just ruining it for yourself, you're ruining for her, too, and she doesn't deserve that."

"What am I supposed to do? I can't go crawling back now."

"Why not?"

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"You've gotta be kidding me."

"I've, uh, had some sense knocked into me."

"It's a little late for that, don't you think?" Olivia crosses her arms across her chest and leans against the doorframe, tired of going back and forth.

James smiles and slowly gets down on his knees. Olivia stares down at him, startled by the gesture. "You might be above begging, but I'm not. Screw ego, pride, dignity, respect, I don't care about any of it." He reaches up and tugs Olivia's hands free and holds them in his. "I'm tired of standing on principle, or whatever idiotic reason I came up with to justify my actions to myself. We're both hurting, but that doesn't mean this has to be over. Turning you away was the biggest mistake of my life; you have to give me a chance to fix it. You don't have to trust me right now, you don't even have to forgive me right now, but please, Olivia, let me back into your life. I can't live without you and I was an idiot not to realize that sooner."

Olivia stares down at him for several seconds, each one feeling like eternity to James. Suddenly she tugs on his hands and pulls him to his feet. He stumbles into her and their lips meet hungrily. They shuffle clumsily to the couch and collapse, each of them competing for the top position, laughing between kisses. When they pull away Olivia sits up, straddling James. He lifts his knees and she falls forward with a yelp of surprise. He laughs and wraps his arms around her. "One of us should really close the door," his whispers.

Olivia laughs. "I vote for you."

"You're on top."

"Exactly. I win. The winner really shouldn't have to get up."

"Well alright, but if I get up you're gonna end up on the floor."

"Hmmm...that sounds like fun."


End file.
